“He Didn’t Hit You” – Why Psychological Abuse Is Serious

Brushed Off by Police: One Woman’s Story

With trembling hands and a racing heart, Mia stepped into the police station. She mustered the courage to explain that her partner was tormenting her – constant insults, tracking her phone, isolating her from friends. The officer listened for a moment, then shrugged: “Well, he didn’t hit you, did he?” In that instant, Mia’s hope crumbled. She left feeling brushed off by police, clutching an incident number that felt meaningless. In her mind echoed a haunting question: “Is it really not serious enough unless I have bruises?”

Mia’s story is painfully common. Around the world, countless women report being dismissed when they seek help for non-physical abuse. One survivor recalled police telling her “if you’d had a black eye, then we could have done something”. Such responses leave victims doubting themselves and wondering if emotional abuse “counts.” Mia sat in her car afterward, the shame and confusion sinking in. She had been so scared to come forward – and now even the authorities seemed to imply it was “not a big deal.” Alone and shaking, she asked herself if she was overreacting. But deep down, a small voice told her the truth: No, you are not overreacting. Psychological abuse is real, and it is serious.

Abuse Isn’t Always Physical – It’s Still Abuse

If you’ve ever been told “it’s not abuse unless he hits you,” know that is a damaging myth. Psychological abuse and coercive control are very real forms of domestic violence, even if they leave no visible scars. Coercive control – a pattern of domination through threats, isolation, humiliation, or financial control – is recognized as a crime in some places (for example, the UK in 2015) precisely because of how profoundly it harms victims. An abuser might never raise a fist, yet their words and actions can imprison someone in constant fear.

Emotional and psychological abuse often escalates gradually. Early on, an abusive partner may seem attentive or loving, but over time they establish power and control through many tactics. They might monitor your every move, control who you see and what you do, and erode your self-worth with insults or mind games. You start doubting your own memories and judgment because of gaslighting (making you feel “crazy” or at fault). The wounds are invisible – no bruises for an officer to photograph – but the trauma is very real. As one campaign says, “They may try to diminish what’s happening – saying you deserved it or that because they didn’t hit you, it’s not abuse… The truth is, there is no excuse for any kind of abuse and it’s never the victim’s fault.” Every type of abuse is serious, and every survivor’s pain is valid.

Signs of Psychological and Coercive Abuse

How do you know if what you’re experiencing qualifies as psychological or coercive abuse? Often, victims don’t label it “abuse” at first, especially if there’s no physical violence. To give you clarity, here are some common signs of an unhealthy, controlling relationship:

• Walking on Eggshells: You constantly watch what you say or do to avoid angering your partner. You avoid certain topics out of fear of their reaction. The household feels tense, like any small thing could set them off.

• Isolating You: They deliberately separate you from friends and family. Maybe they guilt-trip you about spending time with others, or actively sabotage those relationships. You’ve lost your support network because it “upsets” or angers them when you connect with others.

• Controlling Behavior: They monitor your movements and choices. This can include checking your phone, deciding how you dress, tracking where you go, or even dictating when you can eat or sleep. You have little freedom to make your own decisions without their approval.

• Constant Criticism and Humiliation: They insult you, call you names, or demean you – sometimes even in front of others. You hear that you “never do anything right”, that you’re “stupid” or “unlovable.” What might be passed off as “jokes” are actually relentless put-downs that chip away at your self-esteem.

• Financial or Practical Control: They might control all the money – giving you an “allowance” or forcing debts on you. Or they hide your car keys, limit your access to transport, prevent you from working. By making you economically dependent, they trap you further.

• Threats and Intimidation: Just because there’s no punch doesn’t mean there’s no threat of violence. Perhaps they destroy property (punch walls, smash objects) or drive recklessly to scare you. They might threaten to hurt you, take away your children or pets, or use intimidating stares and gestures to keep you in line. Living under these threats is living in fear, plain and simple.

• Blaming and Gaslighting: After yelling at you or frightening you, they turn around and say you caused it. They claim “you made me do it” or “you’re too sensitive.” They deny things you know happened, making you question your memory. This gaslighting can make you feel crazy and erode your confidence in your own mind.

Do some of these examples feel uncomfortably familiar? Even if you checked just a few of these boxes, red flags are present. You are not crazy or too sensitive. Abuse often builds gradually, and abusers will minimize their behavior – “See, I didn’t hit you, what are you complaining about?” – to keep you confused and compliant. Recognizing these signs is the first step toward answering that nagging internal question: “It is serious enough – and I deserve help.”

Frozen and Confused: Your Reaction Is Normal

After being invalidated – whether by the abuser or by authorities – you might feel frozen, numb, or unable to act. Please know: your reaction is a normal response to trauma. When faced with abuse, our brains often go into survival mode: fight, flight, or freeze. Freezing is especially common during psychological abuse. You might feel paralyzed, unable to make decisions, or “outside” your own body watching things happen. Mia, for instance, spent hours in her car outside the station, unable to push the door open to go in – twice. The fear and self-doubt overwhelmed her.

Abusers also deliberately create confusion. They may have two sides – charming in public, cruel in private – which makes you second-guess yourself. It’s no wonder many survivors take years to even name what’s happening as abuse. In the meantime, the stress hormones in your body keep you in a foggy state of high alert. You might freeze up when trying to tell others, or even when defending yourself in arguments. Later, you might beat yourself up: “Why didn’t I say more? Why do I feel stuck?” But remember: this isn’t weakness – it’s biology. Your mind and body are coping as best they can with an overwhelming situation.

Importantly, you are not alone in this. Psychological abuse is more common than many realize – research suggests it may be one of the most prevalent forms of intimate partner violence. Yet it remains severely underreported. In fact, only about 1 in 8 survivors ever reach out to police or support services. That means many others are silently enduring what you’re going through. If you tried to get help and were dismissed by police, it’s understandable that you feel defeated. Many women are discouraged by exactly this kind of response. But don’t give up. There are other avenues of support, and there are people who will take you seriously. The very fact that you’re reading this means you’re looking for answers – and that is a brave, positive step forward.

From Fear to Action – What You Can Do Today

So, what now? You’ve been told “there’s nothing we can do” by an officer, or perhaps friends and family don’t understand the extent of the abuse. You might feel stuck and scared. While you may not be able to change others’ reactions, there are clear, empowering steps you can take to protect yourself. Let’s break it down into safe actions for today, and for the coming days. Even small steps can build your safety and confidence.

3 Things You Can Do Today:

• 1. Affirm Your Reality: Take a deep breath and say to yourself: “It’s not just in my head. What I’m experiencing is real abuse – and I deserve support.” Writing this down in a private place can help solidify it. Validate your own feelings even if the police didn’t. It’s serious because you feel unsafe and hurt. No one has the right to diminish that.

• 2. Reach Out for Support (Confidentially): Call or message a domestic violence hotline or a local women’s support center. These professionals understand that “psychological abuse is abuse.” For example, the National Domestic Violence Hotline (in the US) or similar services in your country have trained advocates available 24/7. They will listen, validate you, and help you brainstorm options without judgment. (In the WomanAid app’s “My Safety” section, you’ll find official hotlines and support centers for your region.) If you’re not ready to talk, consider chatting via an online helpline for privacy. The key is to talk to someone who gets it – you deserve that understanding ear.

• 3. Enhance Your Immediate Safety: Think about small tweaks that can make you feel safer right now. For instance, always keep a phone on you (with emergency numbers saved under code names). If you fear your partner might lash out tonight, is there a friend or relative you could stay with just for a night or two? If not, even letting a trusted neighbor know you’re feeling unsafe can create an extra layer of watchfulness (you might ask them to call police if they hear sounds of trouble). Importantly, do not confront your abuser about your police visit or plans – acting as if “all is normal” with them can keep you safer while you take these first steps. Your priority today is stabilizing your sense of safety – that might mean changing your routine, securing a spare car key, or simply moving important documents/cash to a safe spot only you know.

5 Things for the Coming Days:

• 1. Document the Abuse Quietly: Begin keeping a private log of incidents. Write down dates, times, and what happened – every insult, threat, or controlling act. Save screenshots of any abusive texts or social media messages and back them up to a secure location (like a USB drive kept outside the home, or a password-protected cloud account your partner doesn’t know about). If it’s safe, consider using a protected digital diary (for example, the WomanAid app’s Safety Journal is passcode-locked and encrypted). Detailed documentation can become powerful evidence later to establish a pattern of abuse. It’s also an important reality check for you: seeing the behaviors listed in black-and-white can validate that you’re not “making it up” – it really is that bad.

• 2. Build Your Support Network: Identify at least one or two people you trust and gently let them know what’s going on. This could be a close friend, a family member, or even a counselor or support group. You might say something like, “I haven’t talked about this much, but I’ve been going through some scary things at home…” and see how they respond. People can’t help if they don’t know – and you might be surprised who will step up for you. Having someone else aware of your situation not only provides emotional support, but also practical backup in case of emergency. For example, you can arrange a code word to text them if you ever need police sent to your house immediately. You are not burdening others by confiding in them; those who care about you want to help keep you safe.

• 3. Create a Safety Plan: Over the next few days, work on a concrete safety plan for various scenarios. This includes planning where you could go if you had to leave in a hurry (a relative’s home? A domestic violence shelter?) and how you’d get there. Pack a small “go bag” with essentials like a copy of your keys, important documents (or copies), some cash, and a few days of clothes – hide it or leave it with someone you trust. Consider what to do if an argument escalates: identify safer rooms of the house (avoid the kitchen or garage where weapons might be handy; a room with an exit is better). Plan an “escape phrase” to tell your kids, if any, so they know to leave the house or call for help. Having a plan can reduce panic if a crisis hits. You can find templates and suggestions for safety plans through domestic violence organizations or in the “My Safety” resources in the app. Even if you hope you never need to use it, it’s empowering to have a plan in place.

• 4. Gather Knowledge (Know Your Rights): Equip yourself with information about local laws and resources regarding abuse. Laws vary, but some jurisdictions do consider coercive control illegal – meaning you could potentially get a protective order even without physical violence, especially if threats or stalking are present. A domestic violence advocate or legal aid service can inform you of your options. Also, learn about any nearby women’s shelters or support services – not just for a place to stay, but many offer free counseling, support groups, or legal advice. Knowledge is power; the more you know, the less helpless you will feel.

• 5. Take Care of Your Mental Health: Psychological abuse takes a serious toll on your wellbeing. As you take these external steps, also prioritize self-care wherever possible. This might mean sneaking moments to do a short breathing exercise, journaling your feelings (in that safe journal), or speaking with a therapist who understands trauma. Even a few minutes a day of a calming practice – like grounding yourself by noticing five things you see, hear, and feel – can help ease the constant anxiety. If therapy isn’t accessible, consider online support communities where others share experiences of healing from coercive relationships. Remember: you have been surviving in a very stressful environment. It’s okay (and necessary) to be kind to yourself and tend to your emotional wounds. Small things like getting enough sleep, eating when you can, and gently reminding yourself “I am doing the best I can” are part of your safety plan too.

The WomanAid Safety App: Your Discreet Backup

Technology can be a lifesaver – literally – when used carefully in situations of abuse. The WomanAid Safety App was designed for scenarios just like Mia’s, where you need quiet, smart support right under an abuser’s nose. One of its free tools, the “Safe Relationship” safety scenario, acts as a silent SOS lifeline specifically for toxic or abusive relationship situations. Here’s how you can use it to enhance your safety (without your partner realizing):

Set up the “Safe Relationship” Scenario (in a safe moment): Once you download the WomanAid app, you can configure a personal safety scenario for when you’re at home (or wherever the abuse tends to happen). Mark your home as a “Home” geozone in the app and assign the Safe Relationship scenario to that zone – this way, whenever you’re home, the app can be in quiet-alert mode. Be sure to activate Interactive Stealth Mode, which makes the app interface look neutral (like a regular utility or puzzle game). This mode is clutch: if your partner glances at your phone, nothing looks suspicious. The discreet interface conceals the SOS trigger – in fact, the emergency activation screen looks like an innocent puzzle or calendar, not a panic button.

Once set up, practice how to trigger the silent SOS. Usually, it’s as simple as tapping a certain spot or shaking the phone – the app will walk you through it. When activated, no alarms go off on your phone. Instead, WomanAid works silently: it immediately records audio evidence (so it can capture that barrage of threats or screaming in the background) and sends alerts to your chosen contacts without making a sound. Imagine: the next time he’s exploding in rage, you quietly tap your phone screen. He sees only a puzzle game, but behind the scenes, your phone is doing critical work – saving a recording of his abuse and alerting others that you need help.

Quietly Connect to Your Trusted Contacts

A key part of the Safe Relationship scenario is setting up Trusted Contacts – people you choose who will be notified if you send an SOS. In the app, you decide who gets alerted: it could be a close friend, a sibling, a neighbor, or anyone you trust to help. You can even include emergency services if that’s available and safe in your region, though many survivors first opt for someone they know. You can customize what each contact will receive. For example, you might allow a friend to get your GPS location and a note saying “I need help, please call me,” but perhaps you don’t want to share audio recordings with certain contacts – it’s up to you.

When you trigger the silent SOS, your Trusted Contacts will instantly get a notification or message with the information you’ve allowed. They’ll receive your live location and a clear action plan – instantly and silently. The alert can include instructions you set up in advance, like “If I send an SOS from home, please call me immediately. If I don’t pick up, call 911 to my address.” Or “If I send SOS, text my neighbor to check on me.” The WomanAid app guides them with steps to take, removing the guesswork so your helpers know exactly how to respond. This is hugely important in moments of crisis when every second counts and you may not be able to speak for yourself.

Protected evidence and diary: All audio recorded during an SOS is saved to a secure Safety Journal within the app. This journal is protected by a passcode only you know, and even the app icon can be hidden. Use this digital diary to document ongoing incidents safely – you can add written entries about how you felt, what happened, and attach photos or screenshots of threatening messages. Over time, you’re compiling a detailed record of abuse that’s stored away from prying eyes. This can be invaluable if you decide to pursue legal action later or need to prove a pattern of behavior to authorities. It’s like your personal vault of evidence – guarded and encrypted – that can back up your story. One woman who successfully got her abuser jailed for coercive control credited her meticulous documentation – emails, diary notes, saved messages – as a key factor in court. WomanAid’s journal feature makes this easier and safer for you to do.

Choosing and prepping your Trusted Contacts: Take some time to think about who you trust to be “on your team.” It could be the friend you confided in, a cousin, even a colleague or neighbor. Ideally, pick 3-5 contacts so you have a small circle – if one person misses the alert, another can act. Talk to them (in person or on a safe phone) about what you might need. For instance, “If you get an alert from WomanAid about me, it means I’m in danger. Here’s what I’d like you to do…” Make sure they know your address and have a spare key if necessary. The app will send them info, but having prior understanding will make them more effective responders. Setting this up in the coming days can bring you huge peace of mind: you’re no longer alone in a crisis, even if it feels like it in the moment. You have a silent support system ready to act.

Finally, know that the Safe Relationship scenario is free to use – core features like the quiet SOS, Trusted Contact alerts, and in-app audio recording come at no cost. (Some premium features like cloud storage are optional, but you don’t need them to get the protection we’ve described.) The app is designed with survivor safety first: no ads, no tracking, and an option to mask itself so your partner won’t realize what it is. If you’re worried “But I’m still with him – am I allowed to use this?”, the answer is absolutely yes. The goal is not to force you to leave before you’re ready; it’s to keep you safer step by step, starting now.

You Are Not Alone – You Deserve Support and Peace

Take a moment and place your feet flat on the floor. Feel the ground beneath you. Slow your breathing a little. This is a quick grounding technique you can use anytime anxiety starts to overwhelm you. Now, hear these words: You are strong. You are worthy of safety and respect. You are not alone in this, and what’s happening is not your fault.

Affirmations for Today:

1. “My feelings are valid.” (I trust my inner voice – I am not overreacting.)

2. “I deserve to be safe and respected.” (No one has the right to abuse me, no matter what.)

3. “Help is available and I am allowed to ask for it.” (It’s not my shame to carry – the abuse is the abuser’s wrong, not mine.)

Whenever self-doubt creeps in – perhaps spurred by an insensitive comment like “but he’s such a nice guy” or the memory of that officer dismissing you – repeat these affirmations. Let them replace the lies you’ve been told. You do not have to minimize your experience anymore.

Every journey begins with a single step. You’ve already taken several by seeking information and support. Celebrate that courage. The next step might be downloading the WomanAid Safety app and setting up one trusted contact, or sending a text to a friend to say “Can we talk?” It might be simply breathing through a wave of panic without blaming yourself. Each small step is progress. You’re gradually shifting from feeling powerless to feeling prepared.

Finally, remember that healing and change take time. It’s okay to move at your own pace. Maybe today you’re not ready to leave – that’s alright. You can still take measures to protect yourself in the meantime. Maybe you’ll try again to talk to the authorities when you have more evidence or support, and you’ll find an officer who listens. Don’t lose hope. The system isn’t perfect, but awareness is growing and you have more allies than you know. Organizations, advocates, apps like WomanAid – all are part of a safety net that’s there for you.

You are not alone, and you do not have to live like this. Keep this article as a reminder of what you can do. Share it with someone you trust or someone else who might be in a similar situation – it could be the lifeline they need. Most importantly, give yourself permission to seek safety and happiness. You deserve a life free from fear. And with each step – no matter how small – you are moving closer to that life. Stay safe, stay strong, and know that we stand with you. 💜