I Tried to Drown My Pain in Work and Routine

S — Story: The Weight of an Invisible Burden

Maya’s phone alarm buzzes at 4:30 AM. She slips out of bed without a sound, careful not to wake the man beside her. By 6:00 she’s packed lunches, started laundry, and replied to work emails. At the office, Maya volunteers for every task, earning praise as the tireless team player. She is the first one in and the last to leave. Co-workers see ambition and energy – none suspect she’s desperately trying to outrun her own heartbreak. Every evening, Maya braces herself before opening her front door. The apartment is spotless, dinner warm on the stove. Still, he finds something to criticize: a missed call, an overcooked meal, an imagined flirtation at work. His words cut her down, “You’re lucky I put up with you.” She blinks back tears and scrubs the already-clean kitchen sink until her knuckles hurt. It’s past midnight when she finally sits, exhausted. In the silence, his insults echo in her mind. Maybe if I work harder, I’ll finally be good enough, she tells herself – but a small voice inside whispers a dangerous question: Is it really supposed to be this way?

A — Awareness: Why Emotional Abuse and Coercive Control Are Real (and Harmful)

If Maya’s story feels familiar, you are not alone – and you are not “overreacting.” What you’re experiencing has a name. Emotional abuse and coercive control are widely recognized as forms of domestic violence, even when there are no bruises or broken bones. Coercive control is a purposeful pattern of domination – isolating you from friends and family, controlling your money, monitoring your movements or communications, humiliating or threatening you – all to erode your autonomy and keep you in fear. This kind of abuse might leave no visible scars, but its impact is profound. Research has linked coercive control with post-traumatic stress (PTSD) and depression in survivors. In fact, the emotional abuse that usually accompanies coercive control can inflict serious psychological wounds – sometimes described by survivors as feeling “like you’re a living hostage” to an invisible cage of fear.

Yet, because emotional abuse doesn’t show on the surface, society often dismisses it. You may have already encountered this painful reality: perhaps when reporting emotional abuse, you were met with blank stares or hollow advice to “work on your marriage.” Perhaps the police told you they can’t intervene in domestic violence without physical evidence – an all-too-common response that leaves women feeling invisible. Friends or family might say, “At least he doesn’t hit you,” implying that what you endure isn’t “real” abuse. These systemic dismissals are not your fault. They reflect a lack of understanding that coercive control signs – constant criticism, jealous monitoring, financial control, threats – are red flags for escalating abuse. In some places, laws are finally catching up: for example, the UK now criminalizes coercive control, acknowledging that extreme psychological and emotional abuse can amount to a crime. Even so, authorities and the public are still learning to see the unseen. The result is that many women feel they must prove their pain or, like Maya, cope in silence and isolation.

Let’s validate something right now: Your experience is real and valid. The fear that grips you when you hear his key in the door, the way you walk on eggshells to avoid triggering an outburst, the relief of burying yourself in work because it’s calmer than home – these are signs that what you’re living through is not okay. You may have started pouring yourself into routine and responsibility as a way to survive emotionally. This coping mechanism – essentially trying to outrun your pain – is understandable. It might even help in the very short term, by keeping your mind busy. But over time, living in constant overdrive takes its own toll.

Red Flags – do you recognize any of these in yourself?

• Compulsive busyness as escape: You fill every minute with work, chores, or errands so you have no time to feel or think. Being “in constant motion” is how some trauma survivors avoid the pain inside. If you’ve ever caught yourself volunteering for extra shifts or scrubbing the floor at midnight just to avoid a confrontation or intrusive memories, it may be a sign you’re using overwork to numb yourself.

• Fear of silence or downtime: Quiet moments make you anxious. You might play music, podcasts, anything to avoid silence – because in the silence, the reality of your situation floods in. Many who use the “workaholic” coping strategy find they can’t relax without guilt or anxiety. If self-care or sitting still feels “unearned” or “dangerous,” that’s a red flag that your mind is stuck in fight-or-flight mode, trying to outrun trauma.

• Burnout and physical exhaustion: You’re perpetually drained. Headaches, fatigue, maybe even stress-related illnesses, are plaguing you because you never allow yourself to rest. Overworking as an avoidance tactic often leads to neglected health and declining emotional well-being. It might seem safer to collapse into bed each night from sheer exhaustion than to lie awake with worry – but that exhaustion is eroding your resilience.

• No joy in personal time or achievements: You might notice that even when you accomplish something (a promotion, a spotless home), you feel empty. Work isn’t fulfilling so much as it’s a lifeline to keep you from drowning in stress. Psychologists note that true workaholism isn’t about love of the job – it’s working out of a sense of duty or escape, often while feeling unhappy or obsessive. If hobbies, friends, or anything that used to bring you joy have fallen away, that’s a sign your life has tilted out of balance in response to the abuse.

These red flags don’t mean there’s something “wrong” with you. In fact, they are common trauma responses. People who live with abuse often develop survival strategies like hyper-vigilance and overwork. Running toward work (or endless tasks) is a way of running away from something else – namely, the fear and pain inflicted by your partner’s behavior. One survivor described it perfectly: “Working all the time and being in constant motion is one way to avoid thinking about how I’m feeling”. If you recognize yourself here, take a deep breath: it makes sense that you’ve coped this way. But you deserve more than just survival mode. You deserve actual safety and peace, not just temporary numbness. The next step is figuring out how to get there without putting yourself in greater danger.

F — Focused Plan: An Emotional Safety Plan to Regain Control

It may feel overwhelming to change anything when you’re barely getting through each day. But creating a focused plan – essentially, an emotional safety plan – can help you start reclaiming a sense of control in small, safe ways. Below, we’ve outlined immediate steps you can take today, and longer-term strategies for the near future. These are designed to protect your well-being, document what’s happening, and prepare you for possible next moves, all without escalating risk. Remember, only implement what you feel is safe for you given your situation. Even tiny steps are progress.

Do Today: Small First Steps

• Carve out a moment of calm: Give yourself permission to take 5 minutes today just for you. Perhaps sit in your car before heading inside, or lock the bathroom door and breathe. Busyness has been your shield, but even a brief pause to practice calm is a victory. For example, try a 60-second grounding exercise – inhale for a count of 4, hold for 4, exhale for 6. Feel your feet on the floor. Remind yourself silently: I deserve moments of peace. This micro-break can start training your body and mind to realize that stillness doesn’t have to be scary. It’s okay to rest; you’ve done nothing wrong.

• Enable a safety net on your phone: If you haven’t already, consider quietly installing the WomanAid app on your smartphone (only if it’s safe to do so). Activate its Silent Mode so the app stays hidden – this way, you can use support tools without your abuser noticing. Silent Mode ensures that no obvious icons or notifications give away that you have a safety app, helping you stay safer by staying discreet.

• Start a secret Safety Journal (in-app or on paper): Take a few moments to jot down one recent incident that upset you. You can use WomanAid’s Safety Journal feature, which lets you securely record what happened – for example, “June 5, 8:00 PM: He called me ‘stupid’ and took my car keys so I couldn’t go to my friend’s after work.” Writing it down might feel small, but it’s powerful. A personal log helps you record incidents with details (date, time, what was said or done) in an organized way. Over time, this creates a factual record of the abuse – evidence, should you ever need it, and validation for yourself that you’re not “making it up.” Crucially, keep this journal safe. If you use the app’s journal, ensure it’s password-protected; if you write entries elsewhere, hide them where he cannot find them. The goal today is just to begin documenting for you. You don’t have to show it to anyone yet.

• Reach out safely to one ally: Consider texting one trustworthy friend or family member just to say hello – not necessarily to disclose abuse right away, but to open a door. Abuse thrives in isolation. A simple “Hey, thinking of you” to someone who cares about you can remind you that you have a life line outside of this household. If you’re not ready to talk to someone you know, you could instead save a domestic violence hotline number in your phone under a harmless name (for instance, save the National DV Hotline as “Susan from book club”). This way, you’ve prepared a connection to support whenever you decide to reach out.

In the Near Future: Building Your Safety and Support

• Continue the journal – note patterns: Make a habit of recording incidents in your Safety Journal whenever it’s safe to do so. Over a few weeks, you might start to see patterns – for instance, how he explodes every Friday, or how coercive control signs (like checking your phone or isolating you from friends) escalate whenever you show independence. Documenting these details isn’t just cathartic; it’s also strategic. Should you ever choose to seek a protective order or report the abuse, you’ll have a contemporaneous log to back you up. Even if the police have dismissed domestic violence in the past, a well-documented pattern can make them take notice – and at the very least, it will help advocates or counselors understand your situation quickly. Keep using Silent Mode on WomanAid or other precautions to ensure this evidence remains private.

• Learn what healthy love looks like: It’s sad but true – when you’re immersed in abuse, it can distort your sense of what’s “normal.” Spend time in WomanAid’s Healthy Relationships scenario or resource section. This feature is like a guided reality-check: it walks you through examples of respectful partner behavior versus controlling behavior. As you explore these scenarios, notice what surprises you. Perhaps the way you’re being treated would never appear in the “healthy” column. Perhaps controlling where you go or using cruel sarcasm are flagged as abuse (because they are). This education is powerful. It helps rebuild your internal compass, so you can confidently say, “No, it’s not me – it’s him. This is abuse.” That realization is a turning point for many women. It replaces self-doubt with clarity, which is exactly what you’ll need as you consider next steps.

• Use smart tools to protect yourself: WomanAid offers several features beyond the journal – get to know them. For instance, the SOS Audio feature can be a lifeline: if you sense a confrontation brewing, you can quickly trigger an emergency recording or alert. In practice, this might mean pressing an inconspicuous button that secretly starts recording audio (proof of threats or harassment) while simultaneously sending a pre-set SOS message to a trusted contact. This way, if an incident escalates, you have evidence captured in the moment and someone you trust knows to check on you. These kinds of tools help you collect evidence and stay safer without alerting your abuser, which is key. Practice how to use SOS features now, so that in a panic moment you won’t fumble. Consider using a code word with a friend – for example, you could agree that if you text 🕊️ “How’s Aunt Sue?” to your sister, it actually means you need her to call the police for you. WomanAid’s app can support this kind of plan by sending a pre-written SOS text at one tap.

• Expand your support network carefully: Over the next few weeks, identify one or two people or organizations you can confide in about what’s happening. This might be a local domestic violence advocate, a counselor, or that friend you reached out to earlier. Many women find empathetic support through domestic violence nonprofits – you can find listings of NGOs and hotlines in the WomanAid app’s My Safety section or via resources at the end of this article. You deserve people who believe you. An advocate can also help you craft a more detailed safety plan (for example, planning how to leave if you decide to, arranging a safe word with neighbors, storing an emergency bag with clothes and important documents, etc.). Even if you’re not ready to take big steps like leaving, just having a plan that you’ve discussed with someone can greatly increase your sense of control and options.

• Practice setting tiny boundaries: Abuse often conditions us to say “yes” to everything to keep the peace. Start reclaiming your boundaries in small, low-risk ways. For example, if it’s relatively safe to do so, set a micro-boundary with your partner that asserts your autonomy but isn’t likely to enrage him – maybe “I’m going to bed early tonight, I’m really tired,” instead of staying up to cater to his whims. Or take 15 minutes after work to sit in a park before rushing home, without asking permission. These little acts of reclaiming your time and energy can build your confidence. Use the WomanAid Safety Journal to note how it went – did he react, or did it feel okay? Over time, you can work up to bigger boundaries. The goal is to gently remind yourself that you are a person with needs and rights, not just a robot who must work and obey. Each boundary, however small, is practice for the larger act of asserting your right to live free of abuse.

Remember, an emotional safety plan is not about leaving overnight or proving anything to anyone. It’s about protecting your inner self and laying groundwork. By doing these things – journaling, learning, connecting with support, using safety tools – you are step by step reinforcing the most important message: your life, your story, and your safety matter. You did nothing to cause this abuse, and you have the right to seek help on your own terms and timeline.

(Note: All the features mentioned above – Silent Mode, SOS audio, Safety Journal, Healthy Relationship guides – are part of the WomanAid app. These WomanAid app features are designed with input from survivors and experts to help collect evidence, document patterns, and keep you safer without drawing an abuser’s attention.)

E — Empowerment: You’re Not Alone, and You Deserve Peace

Take a moment to let these truths sink in: You are not alone. You are not crazy. You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. Emotional abuse can make you question everything – your memories, your worth, even your sanity. So let’s counter those corrosive messages that you’ve been living with:

• You are worthy of love that doesn’t hurt. No insult, no controlling demand is ever justified by “love.” Real love uplifts; it doesn’t tear down. If you’ve been told “you’re too sensitive” or “it’s your fault I get angry,” know that those are classic abuse deflections. You did not cause his behavior, and you cannot cure it either. What you can do is choose to start caring for yourself and seeking support, just as you are doing right now by reading this.

• You’re stronger than you know. It takes incredible strength to survive what you’ve been through. All those days you got up and kept going, even with a broken heart and frayed nerves – that resilience is inside you. Now, that strength will help carry you from surviving to thriving. Every step you take, no matter how small, is an act of courage. Healing is possible. Many women before you have escaped abusive relationships and rebuilt their lives; some have even used journals and evidence like you’re collecting to hold their abusers accountable. Change can happen.

• You are allowed to put yourself first. Emotional abuse conditions us to prioritize the abuser’s moods and demands over our own needs. Hear this: Your needs matter. Your need for safety, for rest, for happiness – these are not selfish. It is okay to think about what you want for a change. In fact, reclaiming that focus is critical. Little by little, try to envision what a peaceful life would look like for you. Who would be in it? What routines would you have if you weren’t so drained? It’s not just a fantasy – it’s a roadmap. You can get there.

Finally, let’s do one small micro-practice together – something you can use anytime panic or self-doubt creeps in. Grounding Butterfly Hug: If you’re able, cross your arms over your chest, so each hand rests just below your collarbones. Take a slow breath in. As you exhale, gently tap your right hand on your chest, then your left, alternating like the wings of a butterfly. Close your eyes if you feel safe to. Inhale for 4 counts, exhale for 6, and keep tapping slowly right-left-right-left. As you do this for about 30 seconds, tell yourself: I am here. I am safe in this moment. I am deserving of love and respect. This simple technique combines touch and bilateral stimulation, calming your nervous system. It’s a way of literally giving yourself a hug – a reminder that you can comfort and protect yourself from within, even when things around you are chaotic.

You are not alone. Thousands of women are walking this path alongside you – finding ways to reclaim their voice, their calm, their lives. It may take time, and that’s okay. What matters is that you’ve started. Keep choosing yourself, even in tiny ways, each day. Over time, those tiny choices will add up to real change. And remember, help is available. You have a whole community, including us at WomanAid, ready to support you when you’re ready. You deserve a life free from fear, and step by step, you can build that life. We believe you, and we believe in you.

Resources: For further support, explore the My Safety section in the WomanAid app – it offers checklists, guided journal prompts, and a directory of NGOs and hotlines for domestic violence in your area. You can also reach out to organizations like Women’s Aid, the National Domestic Violence Hotline (in the US: 1-800-799-7233), or local shelters and advocacy groups (find listings in the app) for advice, counseling, or legal help. You are not alone, and help is available.

Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes and is not a substitute for professional medical, psychological, or legal advice. Please consult trained professionals for personalized support. The strategies here are general suggestions – always prioritize your safety and consider seeking guidance from a domestic violence advocate or counselor.

Emergency: If you are in immediate danger or fear for your safety, call 911 or your local emergency number immediately. Your safety is the top priority – do not hesitate to reach out to emergency services if you feel at risk.