He Discovered I Was Recording — What Now?

When Proof Backfires

“I wanted to record him, but he heard the sound and took my phone,” she confided, voice shaking. It happened on a Thursday night. The argument started like all the others: low at first, then swelling to that frightening volume. This time, determined to have evidence of his threats, she discreetly hit ‘record’ on her phone. Her heart pounded as his voice escalated—until a sudden beep betrayed her.

His eyes flashed with rage. In two strides he was on her, snatching the phone out of her hand. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” he snarled. She froze. In that moment, all her hopes of capturing proof evaporated. He thumbed through her phone, deleting the recording while spitting insults. She had tried to do the right thing – to finally get someone to believe her – and now he knew.

Later that night, she sat curled up on the cold bathroom floor, replaying the scene in her mind. Maybe I shouldn’t have provoked him, she thought. The police had dismissed her domestic violence report once before because there were “no bruises.” Her family’s advice echoed: “Just try not to upset him.” Now she wondered if they were right. Maybe I am overreacting, she thought, staring at the blank screen of her phone. If it’s “only” yelling and threats, is it even real abuse? Or am I just too sensitive?

(She doesn’t know it yet, but this doubt—this seed of self-blame—is exactly what her abuser was hoping she’d feel.)

Awareness: Validating Your Reality

If any part of that story felt familiar, take a deep breath: you are not overreacting, and you are not alone. The confusion, doubt, and self-blame you’re feeling are common among survivors of psychological abuse. When others dismiss your pain because they “don’t see any bruises,” it can make you question your own reality. You might even wonder, “Am I crazy? Maybe it is my fault.” Let’s set this straight: your feelings are valid, and what you’re experiencing is real abuse.

Why do police or family sometimes dismiss non-physical abuse? Sadly, it’s often because our society (and even legal system) has a narrow view of what “counts” as abuse. If there’s no black eye or broken bone, people assume it’s “just a relationship problem.” Law enforcement, in many places, is limited in responding to “emotional abuse” alone – there’s often no clear charge to file unless threats, stalking or physical harm occur. In fact, as one legal resource notes, usually you can’t report “emotional abuse” on its own to the police. This doesn’t mean the abuse isn’t happening; it means the system isn’t well equipped to handle it. Friends and family, too, may minimize what they can’t see: “Are you sure it’s that bad? He just loses his temper.” They might genuinely not understand that coercive control and threats are forms of domestic violence – every bit as serious as a slap or a punch.

Let’s talk terms for a moment. Coercive control is the phrase experts use for patterns of non-physical abuse. It’s a slow, insidious campaign some partners wage to control your life through fear, isolation, and humiliation. It often starts subtly – a comment here, a restriction there – and builds into an invisible cage. There might be no scars on your skin, but the psychological wounds are deep. In fact, studies show psychological abuse can be an even stronger predictor of PTSD than physical violence – 7 out of 10 women who endure ongoing emotional abuse develop PTSD symptoms. That’s right: the trauma from “just words” and intimidation can leave real, lasting scars on your mental health. And you are far from the only one going through this. Nearly half of all women (48.4%) in the U.S. have experienced psychological aggression from an intimate partner in their lifetime. Read that again – almost one in two. So, no, it’s not “just you,” and you’re not being “dramatic.” This form of abuse is alarmingly common, yet too often brushed off.

“Domestic violence” isn’t just hitting or punching. It also includes the kind of torment you’re facing. Threats, constant surveillance, jealous explosions, forced isolation – these are all red flags that you’re in an abusive situation. Here are some common coercive control signs to watch for (many may sound painfully familiar to you):

• Monitoring and Spying: They track your activities or devices. For example, reading your messages, using hidden spyware, or even physically following you. (In 2023, a global cyber safety report found over 31,000 people were tracked via stalkerware planted by their partners – a 6% rise from the previous year. Digital stalking is very real.)

• Isolation from Support: They deliberately cut you off from friends and family. Maybe they sulk or rage when you spend time with others, until you stop seeing people to “keep the peace.” Over time, you find yourself more and more alone – exactly where the abuser wants you.

• Jealousy and Rules: They control what you do, say, or even wear. Perhaps they set “rules” about who you can talk to, what you can post on social media, how you dress, or when you’re “allowed” to leave the house. It’s presented as “I care about you,” but it’s really about owning you.

• Threats and Intimidation: They threaten to hurt you, your loved ones, or themselves. (“If you ever leave, I’ll kill myself” is a textbook coercive control move – it’s a threat disguised as desperation.) They might also threaten to ruin your reputation, share private photos to embarrass you, or destroy your belongings. The message is always: You’ll pay if you don’t obey.

• Humiliation and Gaslighting: They constantly put you down, call you names, or blame you for their outbursts. One minute they say you’re “worthless” or “crazy,” the next they insist you provoked them. This mind-warping makes you doubt your memory and judgment. (Sound familiar? That self-doubt you felt after the recording incident didn’t come from nowhere – it was planted.)

These are just a few red flags; there are many others. Coercive partners may also control all the money, make you depend on them for basics like food and shelter, or interfere with your job to keep you financially trapped. They might force you into unwanted sexual situations or use your children as pawns. But all these behaviors serve one purpose: to keep you under their power.

So let’s state it clearly: What’s happening to you is domestic violence. Full stop. You have every right to call it out and seek help. Some countries and states are finally recognizing this legally – for instance, England and Wales now have laws explicitly against controlling or coercive behavior, and in the U.S. a few states have begun allowing restraining orders for coercive control. Even if your local law hasn’t caught up yet, you need to know you are experiencing abuse and you do not deserve it. The fear, anxiety, and humiliation you feel are serious harm. You are not crazy. You are not overly sensitive. You are a person in a dangerous situation that might escalate. (In many abusive relationships, threats and emotional terrorizing eventually can turn into physical violence – or not, but the constant fear is its own trauma.) If the police or others have dismissed you when you tried reporting emotional abuse, that is a failure on their part, not yours. You deserved to be taken seriously.

Now that we’ve named what’s happening – psychological abuse, coercive control, intimate terrorism (call it what it is) – let’s focus on what you can do. It’s time to shift from awareness to action, at your own pace. You may feel trapped and powerless right now, but there are steps you can take, even in secret, to protect yourself and reclaim some power. We’re going to build a plan, together, to help keep you safe.

Focused Plan: Your Path to Emotional & Digital Safety

It’s overwhelming to think about leaving or changing things when you’re in the thick of it. So let’s break it down into two parts: what you can do today (immediate safety), and what to do in the near future (longer-term plan). Consider this your personal emotional safety plan and digital security checklist. We’ll also highlight how the WomanAid app’s features (like Silent Mode, the Audio Journal, and Safety Journal) can support you at each step.

Today – Immediate Safety Steps: (small, urgent steps to protect yourself right now)

• Secure Evidence Quietly: If you’ve already collected any evidence of his abuse – saved text messages, photos of damage, or audio clips – make sure they’re stored in a safe, private place he cannot access. For example, you could upload copies to a secure cloud account (using a new password he doesn’t know), or even better, store them in the WomanAid app’s “Safety Journal.” The Safety Journal is a protected space in the app where you can keep a log of incidents and save evidence, all locked behind a password. This means you can record what happened (in writing or by importing media) and know that only you can open it. If you get a chance, you might also email a trusted friend some of these files for backup, or stash a USB drive somewhere safe. The goal is to prevent him from destroying the evidence next time (as he did when he grabbed your phone). Having that proof stored securely – and out of his reach – not only strengthens any future report, it also validates you: a reminder that “No, you didn’t imagine it – it really happened.”

• Stealth Mode for Help: After the recording incident, he’ll likely be on high alert. So, avoid tipping him off that you’re seeking help. Check your phone’s settings – is there a recording app notification or noise you can disable? Consider using a tool that’s built for stealth. For instance, the WomanAid app has a Silent Mode SOS feature: if you ever need to call for help or document an incident, you can activate the SOS and no siren or loud alarm will go off to alert your abuser. The app will quietly start recording audio evidence and notify your chosen contacts that you need help, all without making a sound. In practical terms, this means if he’s raging and you fear for your safety, you can discreetly press and hold the SOS button (even with the phone screen off or using a hardware button, if configured). It will send an alert to people you trust – without blaring an audible alarm in the room. This gives you a lifeline to help without “challenging” him in the moment. Take a minute today to open the app and familiarize yourself with that SOS button. (We’ll set up the specifics of who it contacts in the near-future plan, but just know you have this silent panic button at your fingertips now.)

• Trusted Friend on Standby: Think of one person who gets it – someone you suspect would take you seriously if you told them what’s happening. It could be a close friend, a sibling, even a colleague or neighbor. You don’t have to divulge everything immediately if you’re not ready, but consider giving them a heads-up in a coded way. For example, a simple message like, “Hey, I’m going through a really tough time at home. Can I ask you to check in on me if I send you an X emoji (or a blank text)?” Establish a code word or signal for distress. That way, if you text or call with that code, they know to send help or call you with an “emergency” that pulls you away. In the WomanAid app, you can formally add this person as a “Trusted Contact” in your Safety Plan – meaning if you hit that SOS, they’ll get an alert with your GPS location and a message that you need assistance. For now, even without the app, having one human ally who’s aware something might be wrong can be a huge relief. You are not burdening your friend by asking this – people who care about you want to be there. It can be as simple as, “If I text you our code, can you call me immediately and pretend I need to come over, or call 112/911 if I don’t answer?” Plan a subtle hand signal or phrase for in-person situations too (maybe if they see you and you say, “How’s your cat?” that means you feel unsafe). Just knowing in the back of your mind that someone is tuned in can reduce that suffocating isolation he’s imposed on you.

• Safety First, Arguments Last: In these immediate moments, prioritize your physical safety over “winning” any argument. If he starts blowing up or you sense a confrontation brewing, do what you need to do to stay safe. This might mean using de-escalation tactics: agreeing with him, not poking the bear, quietly backing down – not because he’s right or you aren’t justified, but because it might defuse the situation long enough for you to get to a safe space. Identify the safest spot in your home: ideally somewhere you can exit from, and away from potential weapons. (Avoid the kitchen or garage during a fight if you can, since there are knives/tools there.) Keep your phone on you at all times, and if you wear a smartwatch or have an SOS key fob, have it ready. Also, consider quietly packing a small “go-bag” and hiding it somewhere (in your car trunk, or at a friend’s place). It could contain a change of clothes, spare keys, some cash, important documents, and any meds you need. We’ll talk more about exit planning, but even if you’re not leaving today, having that prep can ease some anxiety.

• Mindfully Calm Your Nerves: After an abusive incident, your body is in fight-or-flight overdrive. Your hands might shake; your heart feels like it’s going to burst. In those moments when he storms out or falls asleep and you finally have a moment alone, ground yourself. One simple grounding exercise is the “5-4-3-2-1” technique (you can do this in 30-60 seconds): Look around and name 5 things you can see (the sink, your shoes, a picture on the wall, the color of the door, a light). Feel 4 things you can touch (your heartbeat, the cool floor tile, the fabric of your shirt, the grip of your phone). Listen for 3 sounds (distant traffic, the hum of the fridge, your own breathing). Identify 2 different smells (even if it’s just the soap on your hands or the air freshener). Notice 1 thing you can taste (maybe just the inside of your mouth or a sip of water). This little sensory checklist pulls you out of panic and into the present moment. As weird as it sounds, it works – it signals your brain that right now, in this minute, you are okay. Try to take a few slow breaths, unclench your jaw, maybe roll your shoulders. You’ll think more clearly once your heart rate slows. And remember: you did nothing wrong. The abuse is not your fault; wanting to document or prove it was a brave step, not a “betrayal” or “provocation.” Keep repeating that truth to yourself as you calm down.

In the Near Future – Building Your Safety Net: (plans and tools to put in place over the next days and weeks)

• Customize Your Digital Safety with WomanAid: Going forward, make technology your ally, not a pipeline for him to spy on you. Open the WomanAid Safety app and set up your personalized “Safe Relationship” scenario for Home (this might also be labeled as Domestic Violence or Safe Relationship scenario in the app). This scenario is specially designed for situations like yours – it enables all the quiet safety features you need at home. For example, once this is configured, if you press the SOS button in the “Home” geozone, the app will automatically switch to silent mode, start recording audio evidence, and alert your Trusted Contacts without making a sound. No fumbling each time – it’s preset for you. Take some time when he’s not around (or when he’s asleep) to explore the app’s My Safety section. Add at least one or two Trusted Contacts in the Home scenario – those are the people (friend, sister, etc.) who’ll get an immediate notification if you hit SOS. You can choose what info they receive – perhaps a message like “I need help, please check on me,” plus your GPS location. Knowing this safety net is in place can give you a bit of mental relief. Also, check out the app’s Audio Journal feature – it lets you record audio notes or even conversations and saves them straight into your encrypted Safety Journal. The recording is silent and doesn’t alert anyone, and it’s stored privately. This could be useful if you want to continue gathering evidence of his verbal abuse but without the risk of another audible beep. Essentially, you’re turning your phone into a witness that he can’t intimidate. (One tip: if you worry he might see the WomanAid app on your phone, consider moving it into a folder or using a generic app name icon if possible. Always use a strong phone password and keep the app itself password-protected.)

• Enhance Your Overall Tech Security: Abusive partners often exploit technology to tighten control. Let’s preempt that. Change the passwords to your primary email and any critical accounts (bank, Apple ID/Google account, social media) if you suspect he might know them. Choose passwords he can’t guess (not pet names or birthdays). Enable two-factor authentication on accounts when possible, so even if he knows your password, he can’t log in without a code sent to your device. Check your phone for any strange apps or profiles: go through your app list for names you don’t recognize (common spyware apps sometimes masquerade as utilities or have generic names like “System Services”). The fact that he caught the recording by hearing a sound suggests maybe he wasn’t already spying electronically (it was the audible clue that tipped him off). But be cautious: as trust breaks down, abusers sometimes escalate to tech spying. In 2023, a survey found 12% of people admitted to installing monitoring software on a partner’s phone without consent. It’s not paranoid to check – it’s survival. If you’re not tech-savvy, consider contacting a tech safety organization or domestic violence hotline for guidance. They can walk you through spotting spyware or refer you to a professional who can scan your device safely. Also, review the privacy settings on any shared family apps or devices (for instance, if you share a cloud photo account or he bought you a “smart” gadget like a home camera or voice assistant, make sure he’s not using it to eavesdrop). This might feel overwhelming – tackle one device or account at a time. Each step you take is one more layer of control returned to you.

• Expand Your Support System: You took the courageous step to try to document the abuse. Now, consider letting a bit more light in. Reach out to a domestic violence advocate or women’s support organization when you can do so safely. Many of these professionals understand exactly what coercive control is and will believe you without “proof.” They can help you make a more detailed safety plan and even advise on legal options. The WomanAid app has a “My Safety” -> “Experts/NGOs” section that lists hotlines and organizations (local and international) you can contact. Many have 24/7 chat or text services if you can’t call. Even a brief conversation with a trained advocate can validate your experiences (“emotional abuse” is very much on their radar) and inform you of your rights. You mentioned the police dismissed your case because it “wasn’t physical.” An advocate can suggest ways to frame what’s happening in terms law enforcement understands – for example, emphasizing any threats (“he said he’d hurt me/my pet”), harassment (“100 texts a day”), or stalking behaviors. Those are phrases that might fit legal definitions for action. In some states or countries, you can file for a restraining order citing coercive control or threats. An expert can help clarify what’s possible where you live. Even if you’re not ready to involve police or courts, just knowing the lay of the land can make you feel less helpless. Knowledge is power – and free, confidential help is out there.

• Strengthen Your Exit Strategy: I know leaving can seem impossible right now – emotionally, financially, logistically. You might not be ready to take that step for a while, and that’s okay. You don’t have to leave today to start getting safe. However, it’s wise to prepare for the possibility of leaving, in case things worsen quickly or you decide you’ve had enough. Think of practical matters: do you have access to money? If you don’t have your own bank account, consider quietly opening one, or squirreling away small amounts of cash somewhere safe (even $20 hidden in a tampon box or with a friend can help in a pinch). Make copies (physical or digital) of important documents like your ID, passport, marriage certificate, and keep them in that go-bag or with someone you trust. If you have children, brainstorm how to get them out quickly if needed – for instance, keep a spare set of their clothes and a comfort item in the go-bag. Identify a safe destination: a friend’s house, a shelter (have their address/number noted somewhere secure), or even a hotel for a night. You might never need to use these plans, but having them can reduce the paralyzing fear of “What would I do if…?” In the WomanAid app’s Safety Plan, there’s actually a section to help with “Action Plans” and checklists for situations like ending an abusive relationship; it can guide you through steps to prepare. Importantly, trust your instincts on timing. You know your situation best – some survivors wait until the abuser is out of town, others slip away during a blow-up when they know he’ll be occupied. There’s no right or wrong way – only what keeps you safest. An advocate (as mentioned above) can help you create a personalized exit plan if and when you choose to leave. Even if leaving is far from your mind, having these “just in case” measures is like carrying an umbrella: you hope not to need it, but it’s there if it starts raining.

• Self-Care and Emotional Support: Living under constant threat and belittlement takes a massive toll on your spirit. As you work on the practical safety steps, remember to care for your inner self too. Little acts of self-care are not luxuries right now; they are survival tools. Maybe it’s keeping a private journal (the WomanAid app’s Audio Journal or text journal can be a good place to pour out your feelings securely). Or listening to music with headphones before bed to calm your mind. Or practicing that grounding exercise daily to build your resilience. Some women find strength in affirmations – it might feel silly at first, but even looking in the mirror and whispering, “I deserve respect. I am worthy of love. I am not to blame,” can start to chip away at the wall of lies he’s built around you. If accessible, consider talking to a therapist experienced in trauma or abuse. Many cities have free counseling through local domestic violence organizations. There are also online support groups (some are even anonymous forums) where survivors share experiences and coping strategies – hearing others echo your story can be incredibly validating. The key is to remind yourself of life outside his control: moments of peace, things that make you you. Whether it’s your faith, your hobbies, your work, your children, your pet – any positive anchor can help you stay focused on why you’re taking these brave steps. You’re doing this to protect your sanity, your future, your light. Because no one has the right to dim it.

Every item in this plan is about empowering you – giving you back some control in a situation designed to rob you of it. Implement them as you feel able. Even one small step (like setting up that code word with a friend, or writing down one incident in the Safety Journal) is progress. Celebrate those wins. You’re breaking the silence and laying groundwork for change.

Empowerment: Reclaiming Your Strength

I want you to hear this loud and clear: You are not alone, and you are not powerless. The fact that you’re reading this, that you sought out information and support, tells me something important: the spark inside you is still alive. He hasn’t extinguished it. That courageous spark made you hit ‘record’ that night, and it’s what’s going to carry you forward.

Right now, you might feel small and drained – like he’s taken so much from you that you barely recognize yourself. That is the trauma talking. In reality, you are incredibly strong. You have survived every awful day up to now, and you’re taking action to survive and thrive beyond this. Give yourself credit for that. Many people don’t understand how terrifying it is to live under someone’s constant control. But I understand. Countless survivors who came before you understand. And we’re all standing with you in spirit, every step of the way.

Whenever that voice of self-doubt creeps in (“Maybe it is my fault; maybe I’m overreacting”), I want you to counter it with the truth: No one deserves to be yelled at, threatened, or controlled. Not ever. You deserve safety, respect, and freedom. Love does not equal fear. No matter what he’s told you – you are not too sensitive, you are not crazy, and you did not bring this upon yourself. The shame belongs to him, the abuser, not to you.

On the hard days (and there will be hard days as you navigate this), try this simple practice: ground yourself in the present and practice self-compassion. We did a grounding exercise above for acute anxiety, but you can also do a quick emotional grounding. For example, take a slow breath and call to mind one person who truly cares about you (a friend, a family member, even a pet who looks at you with unconditional love). Imagine that caring presence wrapping you in warmth. Remind yourself, “I am loved. I am worthy. I am not alone.” If no one comes to mind, then remember my words and the voices of others who have been in your shoes: We believe you. We care. Sometimes, just repeating “I am not alone” can release a bit of that burden on your chest. Because it’s true – somewhere out there, someone (likely many people) are rooting for you, even if you haven’t met them yet.

Another empowering tool is to visualize your future self. I’d like you to dare to imagine something: a life where you feel safe and free. Maybe it’s a year from now, or two, or five. Picture a morning where you wake up and there’s no knot in your stomach, no walking on eggshells. Perhaps you’re in your own peaceful space, phone in hand only to read sweet messages from friends or to plan your day – not to document evidence or scan for threats. You might have a pet, or your kids, snuggled up without tension in the air. Maybe you’re heading to a job you enjoy, meeting a friend for coffee, or just sitting by a window with sunlight on your face, feeling peace. Hold onto that vision. It’s not an impossible dream – it’s a destination. Many survivors of coercive control eventually reach that safe place and look back amazed at how far they’ve come. You can get there too. The road isn’t easy or quick, but it’s doable, especially with support. Every time you take an action like the ones we’ve discussed, you are paving the way toward that future.

Your story isn’t over, and he doesn’t get to write the ending – you do. The chapter you’re in right now is undoubtedly dark and painful. But as a wise columnist once wrote, “storms don’t last forever.” The clouds will part. In the meantime, remember that you have a say. You’re already making choices to stand up for yourself – whether it’s secretly recording evidence or simply refusing to believe his lies about you. Those are acts of resistance, acts of courage.

On days when you feel guilty or foolish (maybe for staying, maybe for loving him once, maybe for trying to make it work), please show yourself the same empathy you’d show a dear friend. You wouldn’t blame a friend for someone else’s abuse, right? Extend that compassion to yourself. You are doing the best you can in an unimaginably hard situation. There’s no manual for this, and no “perfect victim” behavior. There’s just you, making the best choices you can for your safety and sanity. And that is enough.

Finally, let’s revisit that young woman on the bathroom floor from our story – the one questioning her own reality. I wish I could reach through time and tell her: “It’s not your fault. Your instinct to seek proof means you knew deep down you didn’t deserve this. You are not crazy – this is really happening, and it’s really wrong. But you are wise to trust that inner voice. Keep going. Better days are ahead, and there are people ready to help you.” Since I can’t tell her, I’m telling you. If you take nothing else from this article, take this: There is hope. With an safety plan in place, supportive tools like WomanAid at your side, and a community of survivors and allies backing you, you will find your way through this. One day, you’ll look back and be so proud that you didn’t give up on yourself.

You’re not alone, and you never have been. We’re with you, every step of the way. Stay safe and stay hopeful – you deserve both, today and always.

Resources: To further support you, consider downloading the WomanAid Safety app (if you haven’t already) and exploring the “My Safety” section. Under “Experts/NGOs” you’ll find direct contacts for domestic violence hotlines, legal aid organizations, and support groups. These resources can connect you to real people who understand what you’re going through and can help you craft a personalized safety plan or just lend a listening ear. Remember, asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. You deserve a whole team in your corner.

Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes and is not a substitute for professional legal or medical advice. Every situation is unique. Consider consulting a lawyer for legal guidance and a healthcare professional or counselor for emotional support tailored to your circumstances.

Crisis Help: If you are in immediate danger, contact emergency services or use the SOS function in the WomanAid app. Your safety is the top priority – do whatever you need to do to protect yourself in the moment, then follow up with the longer-term steps when you can. In a crisis, don’t hesitate to reach out right away – help is available.