I Booked a Lawyer, But Canceled — Finding Courage After Emotional Abuse

When Fear Stops Her in Her Tracks

She finally made the decision. With trembling hands, she booked a consultation with a family lawyer and imagined a path to freedom. On the day of the appointment, she slipped out of the house, heart pounding, and walked to the bus stop. But as the bus approached, a dark dread crept in. What if he finds out I'm planning to leave? She pictured his face contorted in rage, the threats he might unleash, the unpredictable retaliation. Her legs felt like lead. In that moment, the terror of the unknown overpowered her resolve. Instead of boarding the bus, she found herself typing with shaking fingers: "Sorry, I can’t make it." She turned back toward the house, stomach in knots.

That evening, shame washed over her. She sat on the edge of the bed, the lawyer's card crumpled in her hand. Why am I so weak? she berated herself silently. Other women would have kept walking. Why did I choose fear over a step forward? Hot tears of self-doubt burned in her eyes. She felt trapped and alone in her failure, convinced that her inability to act was somehow her own flaw.

Awareness: It's Not Just You — Emotional Abuse Is Real and You’re Not Overreacting

If you’ve ever been in her shoes, frozen by fear at the very moment you tried to seek help, know that you are not alone. The mix of terror, shame, and confusion she felt is painfully common among survivors of psychological abuse and coercive control. Choosing to stay (or return) out of fear isn’t weakness – it’s a normal response when your mind is trying to keep you safe from very real threats. Abuse isn’t just bruises and broken bones; the scars inside – the constant fear, the erosion of your self-worth – are just as legitimate. In fact, emotional and psychological abuse is real and damaging, even if the law or others don’t always recognize it. You may have even tried reporting emotional abuse, only to be told by police there’s not much they can do without “real evidence.” Unfortunately, the legal system often has a narrow definition of domestic violence, so when there are no visible injuries or explicit crimes like stalking or assault, authorities sometimes dismiss the danger. This failure of the system can leave women like you feeling unheard and unprotected.

Take heart: the problem isn’t you – it’s a system still catching up to the reality of coercive control. One survivor shared that when she finally reported her husband’s threats (he had even held a knife to her throat), the responding officer said, “Well, you can’t be too scared because you didn’t leave last night.” Such ignorant remarks show a deep misunderstanding of trauma. The truth is, leaving an abuser is often the most dangerous time – research indicates that 75–77% of domestic violence homicides occur when or after a woman tries to separate. Your instinctive fear of retaliation is grounded in reality. Abusers commonly escalate their behavior when they sense they’re losing control. So if authorities or anyone have dismissed your domestic violence situation because you "stayed" or because you have no physical proof, that does not mean it’s not serious. It simply means the burden of proof has fallen unfairly on your shoulders.

Let’s clarify one thing right now: what you are experiencing is abuse. Psychological abuse, verbal threats, controlling your every move – these are all forms of domestic violence. Many countries are finally recognizing this; for example, “coercive control” (a pattern of non-physical abuse used to dominate a partner) is now a crime in some places. Coercive control is like being taken hostage in your own life: the abuser creates a world of fear, isolation, and dependency around you. You might be doubting yourself – Is it really that bad? Am I overreacting? – because your partner has likely convinced you that you’re too sensitive, or that you can’t survive without them. That is exactly how coercive control works: it erodes your confidence and freedom bit by bit.

Red Flags: Signs of Coercive Control and Emotional Abuse

Abuse can be hard to see when you’re in the middle of it, so let’s pull back and identify some common red flags. Women’s Aid (a leading domestic violence organization) outlines several warning signs of coercive control. Does your partner do any of these?

• Isolate you from support: Cutting you off from friends and family, or preventing you from accessing medical care or counseling.

• Monitor your movements: Tracking where you go, who you talk to, or even using spyware to watch your phone and online activity.

• Control your finances: Taking your earnings, putting you on an “allowance,” or blocking you from accessing money so you feel trapped.

• Dictate your daily life: Deciding what you can wear, when you can go out, when you sleep, or making you “check in” constantly with them.

• Threaten or intimidate: Threatening to hurt you, the kids, or themselves if you don’t comply; driving recklessly to scare you; or glowering and looming until you submit.

• Humiliate and degrade: Calling you crazy or stupid, insulting you in front of others, or constantly putting you down so you feel worthless.

• Gaslight and blame: Denying things that you know happened, twisting the truth, and making you apologize for “making them angry.”

These behaviors are not normal in a healthy relationship. They are tactics of power and control. Even if he’s never hit you, a partner who keeps you in a constant state of fear, who makes you question your own reality, or who coerces you into doing things you don’t want to do is an abuser – full stop. You deserve to call it what it is and to seek help without shame.

Most importantly, please remember: You are not crazy, you are not overly sensitive, and you are definitely not alone. Millions of women have walked this path of being terrified to take that “final step,” and many have made it to safety. Your feelings – the fear, the self-doubt, even that flicker of hope that things might somehow get better – are all common in abusive relationships. Acknowledging the truth of your situation is the first glimmer of light. And now, it’s time to focus on that light and plan a way forward, at your own pace.

Focused Plan: Small Steps Today, Big Steps Tomorrow (Your Emotional Safety Plan)

Breaking free from an abusive relationship isn’t one dramatic leap; more often, it’s a series of small, careful steps. Right now, your goal isn’t necessarily to immediately escape (only you know when you’re ready for that). Instead, let’s talk about an emotional safety plan – a focused strategy to keep yourself as safe as possible emotionally and physically, whether you stay or prepare to leave. This plan has two parts: (1) a few safe actions you can take today to regain a sense of control, and (2) steps for building long-term safety for you (and your children, if you have any). Each action is about empowering you and chipping away at that paralysis of fear.

Safe Actions You Can Take Today

1. Confide in someone you trust (in a safe way). Secrecy feeds abuse. Consider reaching out to one friend, family member, or even a domestic violence hotline counselor – someone who will believe you. You don’t have to divulge everything at once; even a text or a code word can start building your safety net. For example, you might agree on a secret signal with a neighbor (“If I flash my porch light twice, call the police”). Or you could let a close friend know, “If I text you the word ‘shopping,’ it means I need help.” Knowing someone else knows your situation can reduce the shame and make you feel less alone. And if an incident occurs, you’ll have someone ready to act.

2. Start an evidence log – quietly and securely. Keeping a record of the abuse serves two purposes: it validates that you’re not imagining it, and it can be useful if you decide to seek legal protection later. You can jot down incidents in a hidden journal or even stash emails to yourself from a safe device. If you worry about someone finding a written diary, consider using a secure digital tool. For instance, the WomanAid app includes a password-protected Safety Journal, where you can discreetly save notes, photos, or audio clips of abusive incidents. It's locked behind an extra passcode, so only you can access it. Another tip: Try to include dates, descriptions of what happened, and any witnesses (even if just “my sister heard him yelling over the phone”). This isn’t about “building a case” overnight – it’s about affirming your reality and creating a safety net of truth that’s ready when you need it.

3. Prepare an emergency bag and important documents. This is a classic step because it’s critical. When you have a quiet moment, gather copies of your essential papers (ID, marriage certificate, birth certificates, bank info) and a set of clothes and medications for yourself (and kids, if any). Hide this go-bag somewhere safe – for example, in the trunk of your car, or at a friend’s house. If you can, also tuck away a small stash of cash in there. Knowing you have the basics ready to go can reduce the anxiety of “What if I had to leave in a hurry?” Even if you end up not needing it for a while, it’s there as a psychological safety net.

4. Set up a discreet safety tool on your phone. Having a way to call for help or collect evidence without alerting your abuser can dramatically increase your sense of security. If you have a smartphone that your partner doesn’t completely control, consider downloading a safety app like WomanAid. Make sure to keep the icon and notifications inconspicuous (WomanAid, for instance, has an Interactive Mode that looks neutral – like a normal app – so it won’t raise suspicion). In Silent Mode, you can trigger an SOS by tapping a hidden button on that neutral interface, and the app will quietly record what’s happening and save it securely while simultaneously notifying a trusted contact you’ve pre-selected. There’s no loud siren or obvious alarm — the alert is discreet to avoid provoking the abuser. For example, one survivor used this stealth feature during an explosive argument: the app (disguised as a game on her phone) recorded her partner’s threats and instantly sent her best friend an SOS with her location and a short audio clip as evidence. He had no idea anything was happening on her phone, but help was already on the way. For the first time, she didn’t feel just terrified — she felt prepared. Take a few minutes when you’re alone to practice with any safety app you install – test a dummy SOS (perhaps when your partner is out) so you feel confident using it. That way, if you’re ever panicking, muscle memory can take over. Even this small step – knowing you have a secret line of defense – can chip away at the helplessness you feel.

Building Long-Term Emotional & Physical Safety

1. Make (and memorize) a personalized safety plan for leaving. You’ve already started by assembling documents and a go-bag. Now, map out the when, where, and how of an escape, even if you’re not ready to use it yet. Is there a time of day he’s typically out of the house (or a time he’s less alert)? Could you arrange to stay with someone or at a shelter when you leave? Figure out a safe destination – a friend’s home, a family member, or a women’s shelter – and how you’d get there (by car, taxi, a friend picking you up). If you have children or pets, include them in the plan: Will you take them with you in that moment, or have them stay elsewhere the day you leave? It might sound over-cautious, but consider having two exit plans: one for a scenario where you have time to quietly prepare and leave when he’s not around, and one for if you need to flee in an emergency (e.g. during or right after a violent incident). In the heat of a crisis, thinking clearly is hard – a written plan you’ve mentally rehearsed can be a literal lifesaver. Also, memorize a few important numbers (or save them under innocuous names): the police, a domestic violence shelter hotline, a taxi service, your lawyer. If your phone is taken or broken, you still can call for help from another phone.

2. Continue gathering evidence and keep it safe. In long-term abusive relationships, documentation can span months or years. Keep adding to your evidence log when incidents happen – save those threatening texts and voicemails somewhere he can’t find or delete them. You might email copies to a trusted friend or upload them to a secure cloud account he doesn’t know about. If you’re using the WomanAid app’s Safety Journal, all your recordings and notes are encrypted and behind that extra passcode, but it’s still wise to back up critical items outside the device in case he confiscates your phone. When you do leave, take this evidence with you (on a USB drive, or literally grab the hidden journal or phone). Store it somewhere safe — like at work or with someone you trust — because if your abuser finds it, it could escalate danger. This evidence can help you later if you choose to pursue a restraining order or to counter any false narratives he may present. Plus, reading back through it can strengthen your resolve by reminding you that “yes, it was that bad” on days when you doubt yourself.

3. Engage professional and community support. You don’t have to navigate this journey alone. Consider reconnecting with that lawyer you booked or find a domestic violence advocate who can guide you through your options. An advocate (often available through local NGOs or hotlines) understands the system and can help you with safety planning, finding a shelter, or filing for protective orders. If talking on the phone feels risky, many organizations offer safe chat or text services. The WomanAid app can also help here: in the “My Safety → Experts/NGOs” section, you can find vetted local resources – from legal aid to counseling services – often just a tap away. Reaching out to an expert might feel daunting (you might worry, What if they judge me? or What if word gets back to him?), but these professionals are trained to be discreet and supportive. Even one conversation can clarify your rights and options. Additionally, consider seeing a therapist (some specialize in trauma and abusive relationships) if it’s safe to do so without him knowing. Some women’s shelters offer free counseling or support groups. Hearing others who have survived and rebuilt their lives can be hugely empowering. Bit by bit, start building your team – people who are in your corner: a lawyer, a counselor, a support group, an online community of survivors, or all of the above. Each person on your team is one more layer of safety and strength.

4. Strengthen your financial and personal independence. One reason many women feel trapped is financial abuse or dependency. If you can, take small steps to regain financial control. For example, open a separate bank account online (set the statements to e-delivery to keep it confidential) and save even a few dollars a week. Hide cash in a place he’ll never look (inside an old toy, sewn into a pillow). If you aren’t working, think about skills you have or could develop – perhaps you can quietly update your resume, take an online course at the library, or start a side gig he wouldn’t detect (like selling handmade crafts via a new email account he doesn’t know about). This isn’t easy, especially if he monitors money closely, but even a small stash of funds can make a big difference when you’re ready to leave. Financial independence is also emotional independence: it’s one less chain tying you to the abuser. On a personal level, also try to nurture parts of your life that he’s not controlling. It could be as simple as taking a free online class (with headphones on), or writing poetry in a secret notebook, or going for short walks to clear your head. These small acts assert your right to your own life and reduce the emotional hold he has.

5. Leverage technology for long-term safety, not just emergencies. We mentioned a safety app for immediate crises, but you can also set it up to protect you proactively. For instance, in WomanAid you can assign your home as a special geozone (e.g., label it “Home”) and select a Safe Relationship scenario for that location. This means whenever you are at home, the app will automatically switch to a quiet protection mode tailored for domestic abuse situations. In practical terms, that means if you hit the SOS button at home, it will never blare a loud siren or send a generic emergency call that could tip him off. Instead, it will gently notify only the people and services you’ve chosen for a “home abuse” scenario – maybe your sister, or a close friend nearby, or a domestic violence rapid response team – with your GPS location and a pre-set message or action plan, while perhaps recording audio evidence in the background. Conversely, you can set a different scenario for when you’re outside (where a loud alarm would be appropriate). This smart use of geozones and scenarios ensures you get the right kind of help in each context without the risk of a misstep. Over time, as you prepare to leave, you might update your emergency contacts (for example, add that lawyer or an advocate as a Trusted Contact in the app). The goal is to have a personalized safety network on standby. Technology can’t solve everything, but it can act like a safety net beneath you, so you feel a little more secure climbing out on that limb toward freedom.

Combining these long-term strategies with your daily small actions will gradually build a fortress of safety around you – brick by brick. You’re essentially resetting the balance of power: every secret document copied, every friend alerted, every dollar saved, and every safety feature enabled is you taking back power that he tried to steal. Be patient with yourself; this process can take time, and there may be setbacks. But each step, no matter how minor it seems, is progress.

Empowerment: From Surviving to Thriving – You Will Get There

Take a moment, right now, to acknowledge something important: You’re still here. Despite everything – the mind games, the threats, the anxiety that greets you each morning – you have survived each day. That takes incredible strength. The fact that you even made an appointment with a lawyer, or are reading this article, means you have a spark of hope inside you. Your abuser hasn’t extinguished that.

It’s okay that you canceled the appointment that day. Truly. You made the calculation that many survivors make: staying was safer in that moment than leaving. That’s not cowardice; that’s your survival instinct, honed by experience. Forgive yourself for what you call “choosing fear.” You haven’t failed – the situation is failing you. But situations can change, and you can reclaim your courage bit by bit.

When the waves of panic or self-doubt start to swell – maybe the night before you plan to take a new step, or when you’re alone second-guessing your choices – try this simple 60-second practice to ground yourself:

• Breathe: Close your eyes. Inhale deeply for a count of 4… hold for 2… exhale for 6. Do this a few times, focusing only on the sound of your breath. This helps dial down the adrenaline and tells your body you are safe in this moment.

• Ground: Open your eyes and quietly name five things you see around you, three sounds you hear, and one thing you can feel (the texture of your shirt, the floor under your feet). This brings your mind out of the spinning thoughts and back to the present.

• Affirm: Now gently remind yourself: “I am not alone. What’s happening is not my fault. I deserve help and happiness.” Say it in your mind, or out loud if you can. Repeat it until you feel a shift – even a tiny bit – in that inner voice that’s been putting you down.

This little exercise is like an emotional reset button. It won’t erase the problems, but it can give you a sliver of calm when you need it most. As you practice it, you’re training your brain that you are in control of something tangible (your breath, your thoughts) even when so much feels out of control.

Remember, you are not “weak” for staying – he is weak for abusing. You are not defined by what has been done to you, or by the fear you’ve felt. Deep inside, you carry a resilience that has gotten you this far. Every day you endure in that environment, you are practicing courage. And one day, when you decide the time is right – whether that’s tomorrow or weeks from now – that courage will propel you forward to the life you deserve.

Until then, please be kind to yourself. Healing from this kind of trauma is a journey, not a switch you flip. Celebrate the little victories: Did you call a hotline? Open up to a friend? Stash $20 in a safe place? That is progress. That is you, step by step, taking back control.

Above all, know this: You are worthy of safety and respect. It wasn’t “just in your head.” And you do not have to handle this alone – there is an army of sisters, advocates, and tools ready to support you when you reach out. The road ahead might still be hard, but it leads out of the darkness. Keep that lawyer’s number. Keep your plans. Keep that spark alive. The day will come when you’ll look back and be so glad you didn’t give up on yourself. You’ve got this – and we’ve got you.

Take Action: When you’re ready, download the WomanAid app (available on iOS and Android) and explore the “My Safety → Experts/NGOs” section. There, you can find free support services and professionals who understand what you’re going through and can help you devise a safety plan or legal strategy. The app is designed to be discreet and survivor-friendly, so you can use its features without drawing attention.

Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes and does not replace professional legal, medical, or mental health advice. Every situation is unique, so please consult experts for guidance tailored to your circumstances.

If you’re in immediate danger, call 911 or your local emergency number and get help right away. Your safety is the top priority.