I Decided to Just Stay Quiet and Talk Less – But It Only Made Him Angrier

She perches on the edge of the sofa in tense silence, hoping her quiet will keep the peace. Her heart pounds as he paces and rants about a misplaced item. Last week, she tried defending herself—but he flipped it on her, accusing her of “talking back.” So this time, she decides to stay quiet and talk less, walking on eggshells to avoid provoking him. But her silence only fuels his rage. “Oh, so now you’re giving me the silent treatment?” he snarls, towering over her. She freezes when he starts yelling, fear constricting her throat. In that moment, she wonders numbly: Is staying silent the only way to survive – and will even that ever be enough?

Coercive Control: Why Staying Quiet Won’t Keep the Peace

In an emotionally abusive relationship, silence won’t save you. The anger isn’t about what you said or did—it’s about control. Abusive partners often practice coercive control, a pattern of psychological abuse that slowly strips away your freedom and self-worth. It can sneak in subtly, even disguised as concern or love, until you’re constantly second-guessing yourself, doing anything to “keep the peace,” and feeling like you’re walking on eggshells. If you’ve decided to just stay quiet and talk less to avoid conflict, it’s a sign that something is deeply wrong. Below are some red flags and behaviors that indicate you’re caught in a cycle of fear and intimidation:

• Feeling constantly tense, like you’re always “walking on eggshells” around your partner. You monitor every word and action, afraid that one misstep will trigger anger.

• Silencing yourself to avoid conflict. You change how you dress, who you talk to, or what you say, all in an attempt to keep him calm. You’ve learned that sharing your feelings or opinions only leads to trouble.

• Nothing is ever “right.” Even your silence gets twisted against you. If you don’t respond, he accuses you of ignoring him or calls you cold. If you speak up, he says you’re arguing. This no-win scenario isn’t your imagination—it’s deliberate.

• Intimidation and threats. Perhaps he glares, punches walls, or stares with that look that makes your stomach knot up. Feeling unsafe in your own home because of these behaviors is a major red flag.

• Gaslighting and blame shifts. He flips it on you, insisting you’re the problem: “If you hadn’t provoked me, I wouldn’t be mad.” He denies things he said or claims “you’re overreacting.” This mind game makes you doubt your own reality and keeps him in control.

“I Thought It Was Just Me”: You’re Not Overreacting

If any of the above feels familiar, know that you’re not alone and you’re not crazy. It’s common for survivors to blame themselves or minimize the abuse. You might think, “Maybe I’m too sensitive… I thought it was just me.” In truth, what you’re feeling is a valid response to being mistreated. Here are some internal experiences that many women in toxic relationships share:

• Living in “survival mode.” Your body is on high alert all the time. You may feel anxious, on edge, or even numb. When he raises his voice, your heart races; you might freeze up or mentally shut down as a way to cope. These fight-flight-freeze reactions are your mind’s way of protecting you in a threatening situation.

• Constant self-doubt. You second-guess everything. Before you speak or make a decision, you run through a dozen scenarios of how he might react. He’s likely told you that you’re overreacting or that “everything is your fault,” and after enough of this gaslighting, you’ve started to question your own judgment.

• Shame and isolation. You feel ashamed to talk about what’s happening. He’s convinced you that outsiders “wouldn’t understand” or that you’re to blame, so you withdraw from friends and family. It’s easy to think no one else goes through this, but that’s not true—abusers often isolate their partners on purpose.

• Fear of doing anything. You avoid certain topics, places, or actions purely out of fear of his reaction. You tiptoe around everyday life, as if any move on your part could set him off. Living this way isn’t normal; it’s a result of his coercive behavior, not a flaw in you.

• Feeling trapped and guilty. You might feel like no matter what you do, you can’t win. One moment he’s loving; the next, he’s furious. This rollercoaster has you convinced that if you could just be “better” or even quieter, things would improve. In reality, nothing you do causes or justifies his abuse. Feeling trapped or guilty—like everything is your fault—is a key sign of abuse, not a reflection of reality.

You are not overreacting. Feeling afraid to speak, constantly on guard, and full of self-doubt are clear indicators of psychological abuse. Even if he hasn’t laid a hand on you, the harm is real. As WomenAid’s experts remind us, even without visible injuries, you can still be in danger – and you deserve support. It’s not your fault, and you’re far from alone in this.

Safe Steps Forward: Your Action Plan

Breaking free from an abusive dynamic doesn’t happen overnight, but small steps taken safely can set you on a healthier path. Here is a SAFE action plan—things you can do today, in the near future, and with the WomanAid app—to regain control of your life. Always prioritize your safety when taking any action.

Today – 3 Things You Can Do Right Now:

• Acknowledge what’s happening: Name the abuse to yourself. Simply saying (even in your own mind), “This is psychological abuse and it’s not my fault,” is a powerful first step. You are not “overreacting” – you are recognizing a reality that’s been hidden under your silence.

• Document the incident quietly: Write down what happened today in a safe place. Note the date, time, and what he said or did when you stayed quiet. You can use the WomanAid app’s Safety Journal (it’s password-protected and discreet), or if you don’t have the app yet, jot it in a notebook that you keep completely hidden. Recording these details not only validates your experience but could be useful later. (Important: If you consider audio or video recording, make sure it’s legal in your area and won’t put you at risk. Always keep evidence secure and hidden.)

• Reach out for support (safely): Consider texting or calling one trusted friend or a confidential domestic violence hotline to talk about what you’re going through. You don’t have to divulge everything at once; even saying, “I’m dealing with something hard at home and I feel scared,” is a start. If a phone call is too risky, try an online chat from a secure device. The key is to crack the door open on your isolation – let someone supportive know that you might need help. You are not alone, and you deserve people in your corner.

In the Near Future – Building Your Safety Plan:

• Install WomanAid (secretly): When you can find a private moment away from his eyes (perhaps when he’s out, or while you’re at work or a friend’s place), download the WomanAid safety app on your phone. The app is designed to be discreet – it even has a neutral name and a fake game icon to avoid detection. During setup, enable the stealth mode (so the app looks like a puzzle game) and add an Extra Passcode to lock sensitive sections like your Safety Journal. This way, the app becomes your silent ally, ready if things escalate.

• Set up the “Healthy Relationship” scenario (Home): Inside the app, configure the Safe/Healthy Relationship safety scenario for your home geozone. This scenario is tuned for domestic situations – it keeps the SOS in quiet mode. For example, if you press the panic button in this mode, it won’t blare a siren; instead, it will silently send out alerts and start collecting evidence. Make sure to select the option to disguise the interface as a game (so if he glances at your phone, it just looks like you’re playing a simple game). Practice how to trigger a silent SOS: in WomanAid’s interactive mode, a quick tap might simulate a drill, whereas a longer hold might send a real alert to your contacts. Knowing how it works ahead of time will help you feel more prepared and less panicked if you ever need it.

• Add Trusted Contacts: Identify 3–5 people you trust completely – perhaps a close friend, a sibling, a parent, or even a neighbor who has shown concern. Input them as Trusted Contacts in the app’s Safe Relationship scenario. You can customize what each person will get if you send an SOS: maybe your location and a pre-written message, or even live audio if legal/consentable. WomanAid will only alert them if you activate the SOS, so you don’t have to worry about false alarms. Having these contacts ready is like prepping a lifeline: if you hit that hidden SOS, they’ll immediately get the signal (with info on what to do), so help can be on the way without you saying a word.

• Create a code word and safety stashes: Plan for moments when you might need to escape quickly. Set up a simple code word or phrase you can text or say to a friend if you need the police or need them to check on you (for example, telling your sister “I miss that recipe of yours” could be a pre-agreed alert). Prepare a small go-bag with essentials (keys, cash, important documents, medication, a change of clothes) and store it somewhere he can’t find – maybe at a friend’s house or even at work. This way, if you ever have to leave in a hurry, you’re not scrambling.

• Learn your rights and local resources: When it’s safe, quietly research your options. This might mean talking to a domestic violence advocate about protective orders, researching shelters or counseling in your area, or using the WomanAid app’s Safety Centre to connect with expert resources. Knowledge is power: understanding what help is available (legal, medical, emotional) can make the idea of leaving or confronting the situation less overwhelming. Remember, abuse often escalates, so having a plan B (and C) is wise – even if you’re not ready to use it yet.

Using WomanAid’s “Healthy Relationship” Scenario at Home: The Healthy (Safe) Relationship scenario in the WomanAid app is specifically made for situations like yours. When you’re at home (or any place you designate as the “Home” geozone), this scenario keeps the app in silent SOS mode. That means if you ever need to call for help, you can do so quietly – no flashing lights or blaring alarms to tip off your abuser. Simply press and hold the hidden SOS button (for instance, on the faux-game screen) and the app will instantly:

• Alert your Trusted Contacts: sending them the emergency message and guidance you set up (e.g. “I need help now – please come or call emergency services”). They’ll get your GPS location and any additional info you chose to share.

• Start recording evidence (optional): If you enabled it and it’s legally allowed in your area, the app can record audio (even video) of what’s happening once you trigger SOS. This file goes straight into your encrypted Safety Journal, providing hard proof of the abuse. Remember to consent to this and ensure it’s safe/legal – laws on recording vary.

• Keep you safer in the moment: The interface stays neutral (a puzzle game view), so even if he looks over, nothing seems odd. There’s no audible alarm, so he won’t know you pressed the SOS. You can even set it so your phone screen locks or dims after sending the alert, to avoid further suspicion.

By configuring this Home safety scenario in advance, you create a personalized safety net. It’s like having a quiet escape button in your pocket whenever you feel threatened at home. Take some time to explore this feature (perhaps with a dry run when you’re alone) so you feel confident using it if the time comes. Every aspect of WomanAid’s Safe Relationship mode – from the SOS button to the hidden silent mode – is built to put your safety first without alerting the abuser. Your voice might be quiet right now, but with these tools, it’s quietly powerful.

You Are Not Alone: Empowerment and Self-Care

Reading this might feel overwhelming, so let’s pause and take a deep breath – literally. Try this grounding exercise: Close your eyes (if you’re in a safe place). Inhale slowly through your nose for a count of 4… hold for 4… now exhale through your mouth for a count of 6. Feel your feet on the floor or the bed. Notice one thing you can see, one thing you can touch, one thing you can hear. When panic and fear swirl inside, returning to your breath can help ease the immediate wave of anxiety. It won’t fix the situation, but it can give you a moment of calm clarity when everything feels like “survival mode.”

Now, remember this: You did nothing to cause this, and you deserve so much better. The fact that you have to stay quiet and talk less to avoid anger is a glaring signal that the problem lies in his behavior, not yours. Healthy love does not require walking on eggshells. You are stronger and more resilient than you feel right now. Many women have stood where you stand – feeling terrified, trapped, unsure of their own voice – and have made it to the other side. They found support, made a plan, and reclaimed their lives, step by step. You can too.

Finally, be gentle with yourself. Whether you choose to stay for now or decide to leave, know that you are not truly alone. There’s a whole network of people and resources ready to help when you’re ready – from friends and family who care about you, to support groups, counselors, and apps like WomanAid that are devoted to your safety and empowerment. Keep this plan in a safe place. Save this article so you can revisit these ideas, and consider sharing it with a friend if you suspect she’s in a similar situation (it might save her life). Above all, trust that small voice inside – the one that prompted you to read this far. That’s your strength speaking up. When you’re ready, you can even configure a safety scenario in the WomanAid app or reach out for help as a tangible commitment to yourself. You deserve peace. You deserve to be heard. And when the time comes, your voice will rise again – stronger than ever. 💜