I Hoped a Baby Would Change Everything

Hoping Motherhood Would Change Him

Sarah’s hands trembled as she held the positive pregnancy test. This is it, she thought. He promised things would be different once we had a baby. In the early weeks, her partner did seem gentler – he talked about their future as a family and even apologized for the hurtful things he’d said before. Sarah dared to hope. She thought a baby would make him grow up and stop the yelling and jealousy. “Maybe once I’m showing, he’ll realize he has to change,” she told herself.

But as her belly grew, the old patterns crept back. One night he came home late and exploded in anger because dinner was cold. Sarah shrank back, walking on eggshells to avoid another outburst. He slammed doors, calling her “useless” and blaming her for his bad day. “I felt crazy – wasn’t this supposed to be our happy time?” she later confided. She wondered if her pregnancy emotions were making her overreact: “Maybe it’s just my hormones,” she thought, wiping away tears. Yet the knot of fear in her stomach told her the truth. The baby she hoped would create peace was now hearing muffled shouts from the womb. Instead of the promised change, the abuse was getting worse.

When Hope for Change Meets Harsh Reality

Like Sarah, many women cling to the hope that having a baby will magically transform an abusive partner. It’s a heartbreaking but common wish: I hoped a baby would change everything. The reality is that abuse is not caused by your shortcomings or a lack of family — it’s caused by the abuser’s need for control. A baby won’t fix that. In fact, abuse often gets worse during pregnancy. Stress, jealousy, or a feeling of losing control can drive an abusive partner to escalate their behavior. Experts note that 1 in 6 women first experience abuse during pregnancy. An abuser might promise to change when he learns a baby is coming, but without true accountability and help, those promises fade fast.

Why does the hope fail? Because abuse is a choice he is making. He might have vowed to be a better man once he became a dad, but an abusive partner often feels threatened by the attention the baby will receive, or anxious about finances and uses it as an excuse – none of which justifies violence. If your partner had moments of kindness and you thought a child would bring those out for good, you’re not naive or “crazy” for hoping. You wanted to believe in the good. Unfortunately, a baby can’t cure an abusive mindset. He promised, but then he broke those promises – and that is not your fault.

Signs You’re in an Abusive Relationship

It’s not always obvious when normal ups-and-downs cross into abuse. You might be second-guessing yourself, especially if he’s sometimes loving. To gain awareness, look at the common signs of emotional or partner abuse:

• Walking on eggshells: You carefully watch your words and actions to avoid setting him off. You feel afraid of how he’ll react to small things.

• Constant criticism or blame: He tells you you’re too sensitive or never do anything right. Every argument somehow becomes your fault.

• Isolation and control: He discourages you from seeing friends or family, or monitors your calls and messages. He might control all the money, leaving you financially dependent.

• Jealousy and accusations: He gets extremely jealous about who you talk to, maybe even accusing you of cheating when you haven’t. He might say your growing belly means you don’t care about him anymore.

• Threats and intimidation: He uses fear to control you – shouting, breaking things, threatening to harm you, the baby, or himself if you don’t obey. You may have heard, “If you leave, I’ll take the baby” or other terrifying ultimatums.

• Physical or sexual violence: Any pushing, grabbing, hitting, or forcing you into unwanted sex is abuse. During pregnancy, physical abuse is especially dangerous (some abusers even target the belly, which puts you and your unborn baby at risk).

Even one or two of these behaviors is a red flag that you’re in an abusive situation. If you’re reading this and nodding, understand that what’s happening is not normal and not okay. Importantly, you are not alone – and there is help to keep you safe.

“I Feel Crazy, Is It My Fault?” – You’re Not Alone in Your Feelings

Abuse can leave you feeling utterly confused. One moment he’s loving; the next, you’re scared. It’s normal to feel a tornado of fear, guilt, and confusion. Let’s validate those feelings:

• Fear: Of course you’re afraid – you’ve been threatened and hurt by someone you love. Pregnant or not, it’s scary to live with unpredictable anger. That fear is your instinct signaling something is wrong, not a sign of weakness. Trust it.

• Guilt and Self-Blame: You might think, “Maybe I provoked him,” or feel guilty about considering leaving. He might even blame his abuse on you, saying “If you hadn’t made me mad…” Remember, his choices are not your fault. Staying for the sake of the baby is a loving impulse, but no child should grow up in fear. Wanting to protect yourself and your baby is nothing to feel guilty about.

• Confusion & Feeling “Crazy”: Abuse often comes with gaslighting – he downplays the abuse or denies it (“You’re imagining things,” “I never said that”). This makes you doubt your reality. You’re also flooded with hormones and emotions in pregnancy, which he might use against you (“You’re just hormonal”). The truth is, you’re not crazy. The hurt, the fear, the instinct that things are wrong – those are real. It’s the abuse that’s causing this chaos, not you.

You may love your partner and see good in him, making it even harder to make sense of his hurtful side. Many women in your situation describe feeling like they’re living with “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.” It’s okay to feel torn. What’s important is recognizing that you deserve to feel safe and valued, not constantly anxious. Your feelings of confusion show just how much you’ve been trying to make things work. Now it’s time to focus on your safety and well-being – for yourself and your child.

Focused Plan – What You Can Do Today

When you’re in the thick of an abusive situation, it’s hard to know where to start. Here are three action steps you can take today, even if you’re not ready to make any big moves yet. These will help protect you quietly and prepare you, all using the WomanAid app as a secure support:

• Document What’s Happening (Securely) – Start a private journal of incidents and feelings. In the WomanAid app, you can use the Safety Journal feature to record what’s going on. For example, after an outburst or threatening comment, write it down in the app’s secure journal. It’s passcode-protected, so only you can access it. You can also use audio recording to capture evidence if it’s safe – WomanAid allows silent audio recording that saves straight to your encrypted journal (nothing is sent or shown to anyone unless you choose). Writing or recording the abuse can validate that “No, it’s not in my head,” and this evidence could help if you ever need to seek legal protection later.

• Add a Trusted Contact in WomanAid – Think of one or two people you trust completely – maybe a close friend, a sister, or someone who has always been supportive. In the app, add them as Trusted Contacts for the “Safe Relationship” scenario. This means if you ever hit the SOS button, they will be alerted instantly. They’ll get a notification with your location and a brief audio clip so they know you need help. They won’t get a flood of your personal data or see your journal; they’ll only be notified in an emergency. Adding a trusted contact today is a way of quietly lining up support. You don’t even have to fully explain everything to that person yet if you’re not ready – just ask if they’d be willing to be listed for your safety. Knowing someone will know if you’re in danger can bring a bit of peace of mind.

• Set Up the “Safe Relationship” Safety Scenario – This is a special mode in WomanAid designed for exactly your situation. Go into the app’s settings (My Safety Scenarios) and configure “Safe Relationship” for your Home geozone (your home address). This will make the app automatically activate your domestic abuse safety settings whenever you’re at home – the place you likely need it most. Make sure to toggle on the discreet options: set it to silent SOS mode, so if you press the SOS button in an emergency, it won’t make a noise or show obvious signs on your phone. Instead, it will quietly record audio and alert your Trusted Contacts without him knowing. Setting this up only takes a few minutes. Do it when he’s not around, perhaps today while you have a private moment. This way, you’ll have a silent safety net ready at all times at home. (Tip: In the app, ensure “automatic scenario switching by geozone” is on – that way, the Safe Relationship mode arms itself whenever you arrive home.)

These “do today” steps are small moves that don’t require confronting him or making any announcements. They’re about gathering safety around you. Even if you’re not prepared to take larger steps yet, doing these things can help you feel a bit more in control and less alone, starting right now.

Focused Plan – What You Can Do in the Coming Days

After taking those immediate steps, you can start thinking about near-future actions. These are things to do over the next days or weeks to strengthen your safety and clarity. Go at your own pace, but keep moving forward. Here are some actionable items for your “near future” checklist:

• Review Your Safety Plan in WomanAid – The WomanAid app has a Protection Center with an interactive plan for situations like yours (often called a domestic violence recovery or safety plan). Take some time to go through the recommended steps in that plan. It may remind you to gather essential documents, stash some emergency cash, or identify a safe place to go in a crisis. You can tick off items or make notes as you complete them. Having a clear safety plan tailored to a “Safe Relationship” scenario will make you feel more prepared. For example, you might decide on a code word to message a friend if you need help, or plan how to leave the house quickly if things get dangerous. The app’s plan can guide you gently through these decisions so you’re not figuring it all out alone.

• Take the In-App Relationship Safety Quiz – WomanAid includes a confidential “relationship safety quiz” or assessment (found in the app’s Safety Center). This short quiz helps gauge the level of danger and abuse in your relationship by asking questions about his behavior. It’s private and for your eyes only. Completing it can serve two purposes: (1) It can validate what you’re experiencing (sometimes seeing the results saying “This is abusive” is the wake-up call we need), and (2) it will personalize the app’s suggestions for you. For instance, if the quiz flags that your situation has signs of escalating violence, the app might prompt you with a higher alert level or direct you to specific resources. Think of it as a reality check and a way to unlock further support – it’s there to help you make sense of everything.

• Adjust or Add Geozones for Safety – In the WomanAid app, Geozones are the places like Home, Work, School, etc., that you can set up for automatic safety mode switching. You’ve likely set up Home by now; consider if there are other geozones to configure. For example, if you spend time at a workplace or a friend’s house where you might also feel unsafe discussing things, you can set those locations with appropriate safety scenarios. Perhaps at work, you’d use a different scenario (like “Dignity at Work” for harassment) – or if you frequently visit a relative, you might still want the Safe Relationship scenario active there if he tends to show up. Updating your geozones ensures your safety tools are always on, wherever you need them. It might also be a good time to check that your Home geozone radius is accurate (covering your house but not too far beyond). This fine-tuning will make the app more effective.

• Practice Using Your Safety Tools – When it’s safe, do a quick practice run of certain features so you feel confident. For instance, WomanAid has a Practice SOS mode (training mode) where you can simulate an SOS without alerting anyone. Try it out: it will walk you through the countdown and cancellation process so you know what to expect. Also, familiarize yourself with the Interactive Mode, which is a neutral-looking screen that lets you trigger SOS silently by holding a button for 3 seconds. Knowing how to quickly activate an SOS (and cancel if needed) will make you more prepared. This way, if a real emergency comes, muscle memory takes over and you won’t fumble. Encourage your chosen Trusted Contact(s) to practice too using the app’s guidance, so they know what to do if they ever get an alert (the app will actually give them a step-by-step on how to help you).

As you work through these steps, remember you’re laying the groundwork for your safety and freedom. Each action is like adding another layer of protection around you. Take it one day at a time: one day you might simply read an article in the app’s Education section or add one more trusted friend to your list. That’s progress. You are taking back control, and that’s incredibly brave.

Your Silent Safety Net: How WomanAid’s “Safe Relationship” Scenario Helps

Let’s talk more about that “Safe Relationship” scenario you set up, and why it’s such a powerful ally if you’re facing abuse. This feature of WomanAid is specifically crafted to keep you safe quietly, especially at home. Here’s how it works to support you without alerting an abuser:

• Automatic Protection at Home – Once you tie the Safe Relationship scenario to your Home geozone, you don’t have to remember to enable anything when you get home. The app will automatically switch to your Safe Relationship safety settings as you arrive. That means all the precautions you set (silent mode, which contacts to alert, etc.) are instantly in place. If you leave home, the app can switch to other modes (like Street Safety) automatically, and switch back when you return home. This automatic geozone-based switching is important: in a moment of crisis, you might not have time (or might forget) to turn on a “domestic abuse mode” – WomanAid does it for you in the background.

• Silent SOS Activation – In an abusive situation, calling 911 outright or making noise could put you in more danger. The Safe Relationship scenario is designed to avoid drawing attention. If you press the SOS button in the app (or use a connected SOS device like a hidden Bluetooth button), no siren blares, no obvious alarm rings. Instead, the app quietly starts its emergency actions. According to the WomanAid documentation, in quiet scenarios like Safe Relationship, pressing SOS will record the sounds around you and alert your Trusted Contacts silently, without tipping off the abuser. Your phone’s screen can even stay in a neutral “Interactive Mode” so it doesn’t show an emergency screen. This means you can trigger an SOS even while sitting next to your partner, and he wouldn’t know you’ve called for help.

• Immediate Help on the Way – The moment that SOS is activated, a few things happen in sequence. First, the app may show a very brief countdown (configurable, often ~5 seconds) in case you accidentally pressed it, but assuming it proceeds, it instantly sends out an alert to all your designated Trusted Contacts. They receive a push notification that you triggered SOS under the Safe Relationship scenario. They get your live location and a 15-second audio clip automatically, so they can hear what’s happening (for example, the tone of an argument or a scream). This helps them assess how serious the situation is. They will also see your predefined emergency plan steps – e.g., the app might tell them “Call her and ask about a recipe as a cover” or “If no response, share her location with authorities” – the guidance can be scenario-specific. If you chose in the settings to also alert Emergency Services, the app will initiate that too (some regions may allow an automated text to emergency responders or a silent call). All of this happens within seconds, without you saying a word. It’s like having a personal emergency dispatcher that doesn’t make a sound on your end.

• Audio Evidence Recording – While help is being alerted, WomanAid continues to record audio for a longer period (it can keep recording until you stop it). This audio is stored in your encrypted Safety Journal as evidence. In a dangerous confrontation, you might not remember details later – having an audio record means you don’t have to remember or justify everything. It could serve as proof of abuse if you decide to pursue legal action in the future (provided it’s lawful to record in your area; the app will inform you of any consent laws). Importantly, these full recordings are not automatically sent to anyone. They remain private to you, so you control who hears them. This protects your privacy while still gathering evidence.

• Discreet Support and Exit – The Safe Relationship scenario also ensures that any inbound response is subtle. For example, when your Trusted Contact gets your SOS, they might reply through the app. WomanAid will relay their message or guidance in a covert way (like a silent notification or a pre-set innocuous message). Additionally, to stop the SOS or recordings, you don’t need to fumble visibly with your phone; it can all be done through subtle taps or by entering your passcode if the phone is accessed. The app is built so that from the outside, it just looks like any other app or a blank screen (especially if you have Interactive Mode on) – so your partner is less likely to suspect that you’ve called for help.

In short, WomanAid’s “Safe Relationship” scenario is your quiet guardian. It sits in the background, armed and ready, so that if the worst happens, you can signal for help with a few taps and know that people you trust (and possibly emergency professionals) will be notified immediately – all while your partner remains unaware. This kind of silent protection can be a lifeline when speaking out or visibly calling 911 isn’t safe. Remember, this tool is there to support you, but you’re the one making the brave choice to use it – you are taking back power, one step at a time.

From Fear to Empowerment: You Deserve Safety and Support

If you’ve read this far, take a moment to acknowledge your courage. It takes strength to face what’s really happening and to seek out information and help. You are stronger than you know. Living with abuse can make you feel small and powerless, but the very fact that you’re still here, still trying to protect yourself and your baby, is proof of your resilience. Let’s take a minute right now to ground and empower you, wherever you are reading this.

🕊 30-Second Grounding Practice: Sit or stand comfortably. If you can, place one hand on your heart, one on your belly (connecting to that little life inside if you’re pregnant). Take a slow, deep breath in through your nose (count 1…2…3…4). Now exhale gently through your mouth (4…3…2…1). Feel your feet on the floor. You are here, in the present, and in this moment, you are safe. Look around you and silently name one thing you can see, one thing you can touch, and one thing you can hear. Notice your heart beating – that’s your strength, steadily carrying you forward. Take one more deep breath. You are not alone in this journey. You have people and tools ready to help.

Whenever the panic rises or you feel overwhelmed, try that mini-practice. Grounding yourself in the present can reduce the swirl of anxiety in those tough moments. In fact, the WomanAid app even offers short guided well-being exercises in its Interactive Mode to help you regain calm and confidence. Use these whenever you need a mental boost or a moment of peace – they’re there to support your mental resilience as you plan your next steps.

Finally, know this: you deserve a life free from fear and harm. Nothing you did caused the abuse, and nothing about you justifies it. Being pregnant and hoping for the best doesn’t mean you have to stay trapped. It’s okay to ask for help and to make a change for yourself and your child. There are many survivors who once felt exactly what you’re feeling – terrified, guilty, stuck – who have since built safe, happy lives. You can become one of them, in your own time and way.

Gentle Next Step – We’re Here for You: Save this article so you can revisit these steps and reminders. Consider sharing it with a trusted friend or posting it in a private group where others might also need this information. And if you haven’t already, download the WomanAid app (it’s discreet and free to set up). Let it be one of the tools in your support toolkit. Think of WomanAid as a caring friend that sits quietly on your phone, ready whenever you need backup. You’re not bothering anyone by reaching out or by using these tools – that’s what they’re here for. Every time you open the app to journal an incident or practice a safety drill, you are taking a stand: my safety and my baby’s safety matter. And we at WomanAid couldn’t agree more.

You are not alone. We believe you, we support you, and when you’re ready, we’ll help you take back your life. Stay safe and take care of your heart – brighter days are ahead, and you’re taking the brave steps to get there.