I Started Working on Myself So I Wouldn’t Provoke Him

One woman’s journey from self-blame to self-trust. This is a story of feeling like nothing I did was ever good enough to keep the peace, and how I learned that my safety alarm wasn’t “paranoia” – it was wisdom. Read on to recognize the signs of emotional abuse, build a focused safety plan (with today, this week, and urgent steps), and find the strength to put your wellbeing first with help from tools like WomanAid.

Story: Trying to Be “Better” to Keep the Peace

I remember changing my outfit twice one evening before he got home, just to avoid a comment that it was “too attention-seeking.” I carefully reheated dinner to the perfect temperature so he wouldn’t grumble that it was cold. I had spent the whole week reading an article on communication so I could “talk more calmly” and not set him off. It wasn’t enough. That night, he barely touched the food, made a face at my dress, and by bedtime found a new reason to yell – apparently, I hadn’t folded the blanket the “right” way.

One night, perched on the window ledge after yet another fight, I realized no amount of self-improvement could stop his next outburst. I had been working on myself tirelessly: going to therapy (secretly), practicing breathing exercises, apologizing anytime he was upset – even when I wasn’t sure what I did wrong. I thought if I fixed all my “flaws,” maybe he would be happy and gentle like he used to be. Instead, the list of my supposed flaws kept growing. Today it was the blanket; tomorrow it might be how I greeted him or the tone of my voice.

I walked on eggshells every day. If he was in a good mood, I felt relief – maybe this would be a peaceful evening. If I sensed tension, my heart raced; I’d scramble to do anything to prevent an explosion. I became hyper-vigilant to his triggers. He often said I was “too sensitive” or “always starting drama.” So I tried to be utterly agreeable and small. I gave up hobbies that annoyed him, stopped seeing friends he didn’t like, and even changed how I styled my hair because he once said it made me look “high maintenance.” In my mind, I genuinely believed: If I can just become the kind of woman who never upsets him, then he won’t have to get so angry.

The irony is, I hardly recognized myself anymore. I was exhausted, anxious, and lonely. Where was that confident, lively woman I used to be? In her place was someone who woke up each day thinking, How do I avoid provoking him today? The more I shrank and tiptoed around, the more controlling he became. It was as if every time I gave up a piece of myself to please him, he took it and then reached for more. The love I thought we had was now entwined with fear. And deep down, a small voice started to say: No matter what you do, this isn’t right.

Finally, one evening, things came to a head. He was fuming that I’d “embarrassed” him by not refilling his drink fast enough when his friend visited. I found myself blurting out through tears, “I’m trying so hard, and it’s never enough for you!” For once, I saw surprise in his eyes – I had never talked back like that. I expected an explosion. Instead, he went eerily quiet and walked out. In that silence, with my hands shaking, I realized nothing I did would ever be “enough,” because the problem wasn’t me. I could spend a lifetime trying to be a better partner, but a healthy relationship doesn’t require you to erase yourself to avoid anger.

That night, alone with my thoughts, I felt my intuition knocking louder than ever. This isn’t normal. This isn’t your fault. It hurt to admit it – part of me wanted to keep blaming myself because weirdly, that meant I had control (if it’s my fault, maybe I can fix it). Admitting that his behavior was abusive meant accepting I couldn’t single-handedly change it by being “perfect.” It meant I might have to consider doing something scarier: reaching out for help, setting boundaries, maybe even leaving. I wasn’t sure I was ready for all that. But I knew one thing for certain now: working on myself shouldn’t mean living in fear.

Awareness: Recognizing Emotional Abuse and Self-Blame

If any of the story above felt uncomfortably familiar, you’re not alone. Trying to change yourself to appease an angry or controlling partner is a common response in abusive relationships. Why? Because when someone we love habitually criticizes, yells, or punishes us for small things, we naturally start to believe “Maybe it’s my fault. Maybe I really am doing everything wrong.” We hope that if we just try harder – become more patient, more quiet, more perfect – we can prevent the next blow-up. It’s a heartbreaking survival tactic: If I’m the problem, at least I can work on me.

Here’s the truth: You are not the problem, and abuse is not your fault. No matter how “perfect” you try to be, an abusive person will always find new excuses to hurt or control you. In healthy love, partners communicate and respect each other’s feelings. In unhealthy or abusive situations, one partner uses tactics like blame, shame, and intimidation to gain power. They may even convince you that you are the cause of their anger – a form of emotional manipulation often called gaslighting. Gaslighting can make you question your own memory and sanity, until you start always apologizing even when you haven’t done anything wrongjoinonelove.org. You end up constantly making excuses for their behavior (“He’s just stressed”; “It was my tone that upset him”) and second-guessing whether your feelings are valid. Let’s be clear: feeling hurt, scared, or disrespected is valid. Your pain and fear are real indicators that something is wrong.

If you’ve been walking on eggshells, you might also feel isolated. Abusive partners often isolate their victims – whether by outright forbidding contact with friends/family or by subtly guilting you until you self-isolate. The less outside perspective you have, the more you accept “this is just how it is.” You might even hide the truth from those closest to you out of shame or to “protect” your partner’s image, further cutting you off from support. Know this: controlling, jealous, or violent behaviors thrive in secrecy. Talking to someone you trust can be a lifeline out of the fog.

It’s important to recognize emotional abuse in simple terms. You do not need bruises or broken bones for a relationship to be dangerous. Constant criticism, threats (even implied), humiliation, unpredictable rage, stonewalling (silent treatment), and coercive control (controlling where you go, what you wear, who you see) – these are all abusive. They wear down your confidence and freedom over time. You start believing your own needs or boundaries are an inconvenience. You might think, “If I could just be better – less argumentative, more loving, prettier, thinner, calmer… (fill in the blank) – he would treat me better.” But that’s a lie that abuse tells you.

Consider this: nearly half of women in surveys have experienced some form of psychological or emotional abuse from a partnereige.europa.eu. This problem is sadly widespread, cutting across all countries and cultures. So if you feel trapped in this cycle, you are absolutely not the only one – and nothing about you justifies being treated this way. Abuse is a choice the abuser makes. Many people go through stress or anger without abusing their loved ones. No matter what you do, you cannot “behave correctly” enough to stop someone from choosing abuse. The responsibility lies 100% with the person who raises the hand or voice against you.

It can be very hard to admit “abuse” is what’s happening. You might prefer to call it “just fights” or blame it on his childhood, alcohol, jealousy – anything but acknowledging that it’s abuse, because that word is heavy. You might still love him and recall the sweet moments. It’s normal to feel confused and torn. Love and abuse can coexist, unfortunately, which makes it so hard to step back. But remember how you would feel if a dear friend told you the same story: imagine she said her boyfriend often scares her, and she’s changing herself to appease him. You’d likely tell her, “Sweetheart, your safety alarm is going off for a reason. That gut feeling isn’t paranoia – it’s wisdom trying to protect you. You deserve better.” Now try to extend that same compassion to yourself. What would you tell a friend? You deserve to tell yourself the same: this is not your fault, and you deserve to feel safe and respected in a relationship.

Focused Plan: From Surviving to Thriving (Step by Step)

Realizing what’s happening is an important first step. Now, let’s focus on a plan. You don’t have to figure everything out at once – in fact, it’s best to take it step by step, at a pace you feel comfortable and safe with. Below is a checklist of actions, broken down into things you can start today, things to do this week, and signs that mean you may need to act urgently. These steps will help you reclaim a sense of control and safety, whether you decide to stay for now or prepare to leave. Your safety comes first.

What You Can Do Today:

• Practice a 60-Second Grounding Exercise. When anxiety rises or you feel panicked, try this: name 5 things you see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. For example, “I see the blue curtain, the coffee mug, the table, the lamp, my hands…” and so on. This simple grounding ritual takes about a minute and can calm your nervous system when you’re on edge. Use it whenever you feel that racing heartbeat – it signals to your brain that in this moment, you are present and in control of at least one thing: yourself. This clarity will help you make safer decisions instead of reacting in fear.

• Acknowledge Your Feelings (Maybe Write Them Down). Take a quiet moment to reflect on how you feel about how you’ve been treated. It might help to journal somewhere safe – even if it’s a note on your phone (secured with a password) or a hidden notebook. Write freely: what hurts? what do you wish could change? Putting it in words validates that your experience is real. It’s not “in your head.” If writing isn’t your thing, even speaking out loud to yourself when alone, or confiding in a voice note, can release some of the burden. If you have the WomanAid app, you can use the Safety Journal feature to securely record what’s happening (including saving voice memos or pictures of any evidence). These records are encrypted and for your eyes only – they not only help you see patterns over time, but could be useful later if you decide to seek help or take legal action.

• Tell Someone You Trust (If Safe). Abusers rely on silence. If it’s safe to reach out to a friend or family member you trust, consider telling one person what’s going on. You don’t have to spill every detail at once; even a text saying, “I’m going through a really hard time in my relationship; I could use someone to talk to,” is a brave start. Alternatively, use a helpline or online support chat (many domestic violence organizations have anonymous chat services). Talking to an outsider can reaffirm that you’re not “crazy” or alone. WomanAid’s “My Safety” section can help you find local support organizations (women’s shelters, domestic abuse hotlines, counseling centers) in your area – you can do a quick search by country/region right in the app. Reaching out to a professional or advocate through those resources can provide expert guidance tailored to your situation. (Tip: If you fear your partner monitors your calls or texts, try to use a safe device or clear the call log after a helpline call. Safety first.)

• Safety Check Your Phone & Secrets. Today, do a quick check: does he know the passwords to your phone or accounts? Has he installed any tracking apps or demanded you share location? Ensure your personal phone and WomanAid app are PIN- or password-protected (choose a code he can’t easily guess, and don’t use your face/fingerprint if he might force you to unlock it). Go to the WomanAid app settings and enable Interactive Mode when needed – this gives the app a neutral look, so you can open it without drawing attention if he’s nearby. Also, consider moving any sensitive conversations to a secure chat app or an email he doesn’t know about. It’s sad we have to think this way, but digital safety is part of your overall safety. (If this sounds overwhelming, just start small: change one password today, or enable a lock on your phone if you haven’t. Little steps count.)

• Plan a Quick Exit Strategy (Just in Case). You don’t have to use it, but like a fire drill, knowing what you’d do in an emergency can save crucial seconds. Mentally note: “If I had to leave in a hurry, what’s the fastest way out? Where would I go first?” This could be as simple as identifying which door or window is safest, and deciding on a neighbor’s house or nearby public place as a first stop. Also, hide a spare key to the car or house (if you have one) somewhere accessible. Keep your phone charged when you can. These are things to keep in mind today so that if an incident escalates, you’re not scrambling.

What You Can Do This Week:

• Pack (and Hide) an Emergency Bag. Over the next few days, quietly put together a small “go-bag” in case you ever need to leave home quickly. Include essentials: a bit of cash, an extra phone charger, copies of important documents (or at least photos of them on a USB drive or hidden in your phone), a change of clothes, spare keys, and any crucial medication. You can stash this bag somewhere he won’t find it – maybe at the bottom of a rarely used closet, or better yet, at a trusted friend’s place. Knowing you have this backup ready can give you peace of mind. It’s like carrying an umbrella; hopefully you won’t need it, but it’s there if it rains.

• Set Up Your WomanAid Safety Network. The WomanAid app can be a powerful ally this week. If you haven’t already, add at least one or two Trusted Contacts in the app – these should be people you would call in a crisis (a close friend, sibling, parent, or anyone who cares about you). They will get an alert only if you trigger an SOS, and you can customize what they’ll see. For example, you might set it so that if you hit the SOS button (or use the discreet trigger in Interactive Mode), your trusted contacts will get your location and a brief audio recording automatically, plus instructions on how to help you. Talk to those people in advance if possible, so they know what to do (e.g. “If you get an alert from WomanAid saying I need help, please call me immediately and if I don’t pick up, call the police to go to my address”). Setting up a safety scenario for “Home” or using the pre-designed “Healthy Relationships” scenario (which is tailored for domestic situations and uses silent alerts) can be a game-changer. The app’s geozones feature can automatically switch scenarios – for instance, you can set it so that when you enter your home geozone, the app goes into a heightened readiness mode. Take some time this week to familiarize yourself with these features. It’s okay if it feels techy – you can ask a trusted person to help configure it if you need. The key is to create a safety net that can operate at the tap of a button.

• Learn About Your Local Support Options. Knowledge is power. Use this week to quietly research what help is available near you. Through the WomanAid app’s “My Safety” section, or via a safe internet connection, find the contact info for a nearby women’s shelter, domestic violence advocacy group, or support center. Many organizations can help you make a safety plan tailored to your situation, provide temporary shelter if you need to escape, or even give legal advice. Save those important phone numbers in your phone under innocuous names (for example, save the shelter hotline as “Dental Clinic” or some code name, so it doesn’t arouse suspicion). Or just memorize one hotline number if possible. This isn’t about acting on it right now unless you want to – it’s about being prepared. Think of it like knowing where the fire exits are, even if you hope to never use them. You’ll feel more secure just having that info in your back pocket.

• Set Small Boundaries, Observe the Response. Abuse often escalates when the abuser senses you’re pulling away or becoming more assertive, so please prioritize safety here – do not openly confront him or announce big changes if you fear it will provoke violence. However, if it’s safe, try setting one small boundary this week and see what happens. For example, if he yells, you could calmly say, “I don’t want to be shouted at. I’m going to step into the other room until we can talk quietly.” Then actually remove yourself. Or if he insults you, you might respond, “That hurt. I’m going to take a walk.” The goal here is not to fix his behavior (you likely can’t), but to start reclaiming your own agency in little ways and gauge his reaction. If he respects the boundary even a tiny bit, that’s note-worthy (though it doesn’t guarantee safety). If he blows up even more, take that as important data: he’s showing that any assertion of your independence or self-respect is a threat to his control. That’s a red flag. Either way, keep a mental or written note of how these experiments go. And only do this to the extent you feel safe – if in doubt, skip this step and focus on the covert safety measures above. Your well-being is more important than testing him.

• Self-Care and Strength Building. Living with this kind of stress is draining. This week, do one thing that reconnects you with yourself, not as “his partner,” but as you. Maybe it’s something you used to enjoy that fell by the wayside – listening to your favorite music with headphones on, taking a short walk in a place that brings you calm, doodling in a sketchbook, or messaging a friend just to talk about normal stuff. Even if it’s just 10 minutes a day, claim that time for you. This is not frivolous – it’s crucial. Every time you engage with something that reminds you of who you are outside of this relationship, you strengthen your identity and resilience. Abuse can make you feel like you’re losing yourself; actively nurturing your interests and relationships is like lighting a little flame inside that says, “I am still here. I still matter.” Consider using the WomanAid app’s Journal or mood tracker to log these self-care moments and your feelings. Over time, you might notice patterns – like which days are hardest and when you feel strongest – which can inform your next steps.

Signs That Require Urgent Action: While the steps above can gradually improve your safety and clarity, some situations call for immediate action. Please pay attention to these red-flag signs. If you are experiencing any of the following, prioritize getting to safety NOW (even if that means leaving belongings behind and calling emergency services). You can check off any that apply:

• Threats of Extreme Harm or Death: If he has threatened to kill you, hurt you badly, or harm himself or others if you leave, do not dismiss these threats. Threats often precede actual violence. This is a critical danger sign.

• Use of Weapons or Choking: If he has ever strangled/choked you (even “just once” or “not that hard”) or used a weapon (knife, gun, any object as a weapon) against you, your life is in immediate danger. These behaviors are among the strongest predictors of lethal outcomes in domestic violence situations. Seek help right away.

• Escalating Physical Violence: Any physical assault is serious. If the violence is getting more frequent or severe – for example, from shoving to hitting, or from one bruise a month to every week – don’t wait. It’s likely to keep escalating.

• Complete Isolation or Imprisonment: If he prevents you from leaving the house, cuts off your communication (takes away phone, car, money), or watches you 24/7, this is an emergency. You might literally be imprisoned in your home. Look for any opportunity to signal someone or escape when you can do so safely.

• Gut Feeling of “I’m Not Safe”: Maybe nothing “dramatic” has happened yet, but you find yourself constantly in fear of what he might do. Your body might be telling you something – like you flinch when he comes near, or you have nightmares. Trust that intuition. You don’t need to “wait for it to get worse.” Seeking help sooner can prevent worse outcomes.

If any of the above is happening, prioritize emergency measures: Consider calling your local emergency services immediately (the WomanAid app has a quick SOS feature – if you trigger it, your Trusted Contacts and emergency services can be notified with your location). If you can, get to a safe public place or a neighbor, and contact the police. Use the WomanAid app or a hotline to find a shelter that can take you in on short notice. In these moments, don’t worry about overreacting or feeling like you’ll get him in trouble. Your life and safety are paramount. It’s better to overreact and be safe than to under-react and suffer harm.

(A note on urgent situations: The WomanAid app’s “SOS” button is designed for exactly these critical moments – it can simultaneously send out alerts to your chosen contacts and even start recording audio evidence. If you haven’t set it up yet, make that a priority as mentioned above. However, if pressing the button puts you in danger of him noticing and retaliating, then as soon as you safely can, make that emergency call or get out and scream for help if needed. Do whatever you need to do to survive.)

Empowerment: You Deserve Safety, Not Just Survival

Take a deep breath now. This is heavy stuff, but please hear this: you are stronger than you feel right now. The very fact that you’re reading this guide, absorbing these ideas, means you have a spark of hope and courage inside you. Nurture that spark. It’s what will carry you through the next steps, whatever they may be.

I know you might be thinking, “But I still love him,” or “It’s not always bad,” or “I’m scared to be alone.” These feelings are valid. It’s okay to love someone and hate what they do to you at the same time. It’s okay to feel afraid of the unknown – leaving an abusive situation is complicated and can be dangerous, and so can staying. There’s no simple, one-size path. Empowerment doesn’t mean you suddenly flip a switch and walk out fearless. It means rebuilding trust in yourself, piece by piece, so that you can make the choices that honor your right to safety and happiness.

Remember that metaphor earlier: if a dear friend were in your shoes, what would you urge her to do? You’d probably say: “You don’t provoke this. You don’t deserve this. You deserve help and kindness.” Now try to be your own friend. Start telling yourself these truths daily. Even if you don’t fully believe them yet, say them: “I do not deserve to be hurt. My feelings matter. I am allowed to take up space. I am worthy of love that doesn’t scare me.” It may feel awkward, but self-compassion is a powerful antidote to the shame that abuse has wrapped around you.

Also, know that professional help is available when you’re ready. Counselors and support groups (many accessible via organizations in the WomanAid My Safety directory) can provide a safe space to talk and strategize. If you worry about therapy cost or finding the right person, many domestic violence charities offer free counseling or support groups for survivors. Even the act of attending a support meeting (whether online or in-person) can be life-changing. You’ll see women who have been through similar pain, some further along in their healing, reaching back to hold a hand out to you. You are not alone. In breaking the silence, you’ll find that many others have faced what you’re facing – and have made it to the other side. Their stories can inspire your own.

Let’s address another feeling: guilt. You might feel guilty at the idea of leaving him, or guilty for “airing dirty laundry” by seeking help. Abusive partners often instill this guilt, making you feel responsible for keeping the family or relationship together at all costs. But here’s a reframe: by prioritizing your safety, you are not “betraying” anyone – you are saving yourself. And if you have children, you are also protecting them by breaking a dangerous cycle. Children raised in abusive homes suffer deeply, even if they are not directly harmed; by seeking a safer environment, you’re giving them (and yourself) a chance at a healthier life.

You might also fear his reaction. That’s a very real fear – often it’s when a victim tries to leave that the abuser panics and escalates. This is why all the planning we discussed is crucial. Empowerment is not about reckless action; it’s about informed and supported action. When you do make moves, you’ll do so with a safety net in place (friends, app alerts, shelters on standby, legal protections if needed). It’s okay to move slowly. It’s okay to seek help covertly until you’re ready to take larger steps. Every bit of preparation adds to your power.

And empowerment is also about recognizing positive signs in yourself. Did you notice that lately your internal voice is getting louder when something’s unacceptable? That’s good – it means the old you, the one who knew what was normal, is coming back. Did you complete even one of the “today” checklist items? Fantastic! That’s progress. Celebrate those wins: maybe you changed your phone password, or told a friend to check on you tomorrow. These are acts of courage. Give yourself credit.

Finally, let’s talk about the WomanAid app as a partner in your empowerment. This app was developed precisely because so many people go through what you’re experiencing and need smart, discreet support. Use it as a tool in your toolkit: it can’t solve everything (and it’s not a substitute for law enforcement or medical help in emergencies, just to be clear), but it can tip the scales in your favor. It can quietly connect you to a network of allies (through Trusted Contacts and local support resources), alert others if you’re in danger, help collect evidence of abuse if needed, and even provide interactive exercises to manage stress and fear (check out the app’s guided breathing or “panic button” which might guide you through a calming exercise when you feel panic setting in). Think of it as having a safety concierge in your pocket. You are still the one steering the ship, but it’s nice to have some navigation tools and a life vest on board.

As we wrap up, take another deep breath. Feel a bit of the weight lifting? Maybe just a little. You’ve got this far, and you will go further. The road ahead might have ups and downs, but you won’t be walking it alone. Keep listening to that inner wisdom – the one that raises the alarm when something isn’t right. That alarm isn’t paranoia or weakness; it’s your innate survival wisdom. Trust it. It will guide you when your mind gets clouded with doubt or when others try to tell you that you’re overreacting.

You deserve a life where you can be your authentic self without fear. It might be hard to imagine now, but it’s possible. Many others have been where you are and have rebuilt lives filled with peace and even joy. One step at a time, you can create that future for yourself.

We believe in you. You are worthy of safety, love, and respect – exactly as you are, without having to bend and contort yourself to appease someone else’s anger. Keep this guide as a reminder of that truth.

Empowering Next Steps – You’re Not Alone: If this guide resonated, consider saving it so you can revisit these steps whenever you need a boost or a reminder. Try setting up at least one Safety Scenario in the WomanAid app today – for instance, a discreet SOS mode for home – as a tangible act of self-protection. And if you know someone who might be quietly struggling in a similar situation, please share this with her. You never know – a simple guide like this could be the lifeline that helps someone find her courage.

Most of all, remember that help is available and you never have to go through this alone. You’ve taken a powerful step by reading this. Stay safe, stay strong, and trust yourself – one day, one step at a time. You got this.