I Talked to My Family, But They Didn’t Support Me

Sara sat at her kitchen table, the morning light catching the tears in her eyes. Her hands trembled around her coffee mug as she replayed last night’s conversation with her mother. After months of secret pain, she had finally whispered the truth: “Mom, I’m scared of him. He screams at me, calls me awful names… I think it’s abuse.” Her mother’s face had hardened. Instead of the hug or words of comfort Sara desperately needed, she got a scolding. “It’s your fault,” her mother snapped. “Don’t even think about divorce. Just endure it. You made your bed.”

Now, in the quiet of dawn, Sara felt her world tilt. If her own mother didn’t believe her – if even she thought it was Sara’s fault – maybe it was? Sara stared at her reflection in the dark window, questioning every memory. Was I overreacting? she wondered. If I were a better wife, would he be kinder? The self-doubt seeped in, heavier than the silence. She felt utterly alone, her mind echoing with the chilling thought: Maybe this is all my fault.

Awareness

If Sara’s story feels painfully familiar, take a deep breath – you are not alone, and it is not your fault. Many women experience this heartbreaking lack of support when they finally speak up about abuse. In fact, to summon the courage to say “I am being hurt” only to be met with blame or disbelief is a deep betrayal. To not find a strong support system in your family as you endure abuse is truly devastating. You may have heard dismissive phrases like “It’s not a big deal,” or “Just tough it out,” from relatives or even authorities. Such responses are wrong – and sadly common. They reflect widespread misunderstandings and victim-blaming attitudes, not the truth of your experience. When people you trust don’t believe you or imply you caused the abuse, it adds to the trauma. It invalidates your reality and magnifies your feelings of isolation and self-doubt. You start to question your own memory and worth, exactly when you most need validation and help.

Let’s be clear: Emotional abuse is real abuse. Just because the bruises don’t show on your skin doesn’t mean the harm isn’t there. Emotional and psychological abuse – name-calling, humiliation, threats, mind games – are all tools abusers use to maintain power and control. Domestic violence is not only broken bones and black eyes. As Women’s Aid defines it, domestic abuse can be a pattern of controlling, coercive, threatening, degrading behavior – including psychological and emotional abuse – by a partner or ex-partner. In other words, those screaming tirades, the constant criticism, the jealous monitoring of your every move, the cruel comments that erode your confidence – that is domestic violence, even if no one ever lays a finger on you. Over time, emotional abuse can cause serious damage: it can warp how you see yourself, shatter your self-esteem, and make you feel like you’re walking on eggshells or going crazy. Researchers have found that verbal and emotional abuse can be just as harmful to long-term mental health as physical violence. The scars are real, even if they’re invisible.

Why, then, do families and even police often dismiss this kind of abuse? One reason is that our society historically privileges physical evidence. If there’s no cut or bruise, many people (wrongly) assume “It’s not that bad.” This is compounded by harmful cultural myths. Some still believe that a wife should quietly endure, or that what happens behind closed doors is a “private matter.” Your mother’s reaction – “Just endure it” – echoes a dangerous myth that a woman must stay no matter what, and that if abuse happens, she somehow provoked it. Let’s shatter that myth right now: Abuse is never the victim’s faultk. No matter what you wore, said, or did, you did not make someone hurt you. As Welsh Women’s Aid puts it, violence and abuse will happen regardless of the victim’s choices – the abuser alone is to blame. Blaming the victim (“you should have been a better wife” or “you must have triggered him”) is not only incorrect, it’s cruel. It leaves survivors feeling responsible for their abuser’s actions, swimming in shame and guilt. You deserve better than that.

Another reason for the lack of support is pure misunderstanding of emotional abuse. Because it doesn’t leave visible injuries, family or even authorities may underestimate it. Police, especially, are often constrained by laws that haven’t caught up with reality. Emotional and psychological abuse is real and damaging, but the law doesn’t always recognize it unless it crosses into clear crimes like harassment, stalking, or threats. Many survivors have felt the frustration of reporting emotional abuse only to be told by officers, “There’s nothing we can do,” because on paper no crime was committed. In some jurisdictions, coercive control (a pattern of controlling, abusive behavior) is finally being recognized as illegal – for example, the U.K. has made coercive control a crime, and a few U.S. states are following suit. But in many places, if there isn’t physical violence or a direct threat, the police response might be dismissive. This is deeply unjust. Abuse is abuse, and survivors deserve help and protection. When the legal system has a narrow definition of domestic violence, it makes it harder to get restraining orders or police intervention based “only” on emotional abuse. That doesn’t mean what you’re experiencing isn’t serious – it means our institutions still have catching up to do. Even if emotional abuse isn’t always against the law, that doesn’t make it okay. No one deserves to be treated that way, and you don’t have to accept it.

So if you’ve been told “just deal with it” by family or had your case brushed off by authorities, know this: you have the right to feel hurt and to seek help. Your pain is valid. Emotional abuse and coercive control are disturbingly common in abusive relationships – in fact, studies show between 60% and 80% of women seeking help for abuse have experienced coercive control tactics by their abuser. You are far from the only one. There is an entire community of survivors and advocates who do understand what you’re going through and will believe you.

Red Flags of Emotional Abuse and Coercive Control

How can you be sure what you’re experiencing qualifies as abuse? Often, survivors minimize their own experiences (especially if loved ones are downplaying it). Here are some common red flags and coercive control signs to be aware of – if any of these feel familiar, take note:

• Constant Criticism or Name-Calling: Your partner puts you down regularly – calling you “stupid,” “worthless,” or other insults that erode your self-worth. No matter what you do, it’s never good enough, and they make sure you know it.

• Gaslighting: They deny things you know happened, or tell you you’re overreacting / crazy. They twist events to make you doubt your sanity. For example, they scream at you and later insist “I never yelled, you’re imagining things”. This psychological manipulation is designed to make you question reality.

• Isolation: The abuser tries to cut you off from your support system. They may forbid or discourage you from seeing friends and family, or guilt-trip you for spending time with others. Sometimes they move you far away, or sabotage your relationships by spreading lies. The result: you become more dependent on them and feel alone.

• Monitoring and Jealousy: They keep tabs on your every move – checking your phone, reading your messages, tracking your location, or even installing cameras. They get enraged if you talk to someone they don’t approve of. Extreme jealousy is reframed as “I’m just protecting you,” but it’s really about control.

• Controlling Your Daily Life: An abusive partner may control what you wear, where you go, how you spend money, or whether you can work or study. They treat you like property rather than an equal partner, restricting your freedom and autonomy.

• Threats and Intimidation: They might threaten to hurt you, your children, your pets, or themselves (e.g. “If you ever leave, I’ll kill myself”). They may destroy your belongings or punch walls to scare you. Living under a constant cloud of threats keeps you walking on eggshells.

• Shifting Blame: After blowing up or hurting you, they blame you for it: “See what you made me do?” They might pretend the abuse didn’t happen, or say you’re the abuser if you ever get angry back. This DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) tactic is meant to make you feel guilty for your own mistreatment.

These are just some examples – every situation is unique, but the pattern is that the abuser seeks to control, demean, and instill fear. If you recognize several of these warning signs, it’s very likely you are experiencing domestic abuse. Take that realization seriously, even if others don’t. Trust your gut: if it feels harmful and terrifying, it is. You do not need bruises for it to “count.” As one survivor famously said, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can also hurt me.” Emotional wounds can run deep.

And remember, the abuser’s goal is to make you feel powerless and alone. That’s why they isolate you and chip away at your confidence. By seeking help and acknowledging the abuse, you are already breaking some of that power they hold. It’s understandable that your mother’s reaction made you doubt yourself again – victim-blaming from loved ones can make that inner voice of doubt roar. But I encourage you to hold on to that small voice inside that said, “This isn’t right. I deserve better.” You do. And now, let’s focus on what you can do next.

Focused Plan

Facing emotional abuse without support from family or official structures can feel overwhelming. But there are steps you can take, both immediately and in the near future, to protect your emotional and physical well-being. Think of this as an emotional safety plan – a roadmap to regain control and build safety, even if those who should help have let you down. We will also integrate some tool recommendations (like the WomanAid app’s features) that can assist you in this journey. Remember: small steps can lead to big changes over time. You are not as trapped as you feel right now. Here’s a focused plan to get started.

What to Do Today (Small Safe Steps)

• Acknowledge Your Reality and Feelings: First and foremost, affirm to yourself that what you are experiencing is real and it is wrong. An abuser’s first weapon is to make you doubt your own perception. Write down in a private notebook or a secure app a simple statement of truth, such as: “I am being emotionally abused. It is not my fault.” This is a powerful first step in reclaiming your narrative from the gaslighting. If you feel isolated because your family isn’t supportive, consider calling a domestic violence hotline or chat service today just to talk. (The National Domestic Violence Hotline in the US is 1-800-799-7233; there are similar 24/7 hotlines in many countries.) These hotlines are confidential and the people on the other end will understand what you mean by emotional abuse. Hearing a supportive voice affirm your experience can be life-changing. You deserve to be heard by someone who gets it.

• Start a Safety Journal – Document Everything: Begin keeping a record of what’s happening. Emotional abuse often involves a crazy-making blur of incidents; writing them down will both validate your experience and create evidence. You can use the WomanAid app’s “Safety Journal” feature for this, or simply a hidden notebook or password-protected file. Jot down dates, times, and details of abusive incidents and any threats made. Record how it made you feel, too. For instance: “July 12, evening – He told me I’m not allowed to see my friend and called me ‘stupid’ in front of the kids. I felt humiliated and scared.” These entries might seem small, but over a few weeks, patterns will emerge. The WomanAid app’s Safety Journal is especially useful because it’s password-protected – only you can access it, so your notes stay confidential. It even allows you to tag incidents by location (home, outside, etc.) automatically, and you can choose to backup your journal to a secure cloud or keep it only on your device for extra privacy. By keeping a detailed diary of abuse, you accomplish two things: (1) You counter the gaslighting by creating a tangible record of events, and (2) you gather crucial evidence should you decide to seek legal protection later. Remember, lack of evidence is a major reason authorities struggle to act on emotional abuse – in one report, three in four domestic abuse cases were closed without charges, often due to “evidential difficulties” (insufficient proof). By documenting now, you are empowering your future self with proof.

• Reach Out to Someone Trustworthy (Even if Not Family): Think of one person who might be empathetic – maybe a friend, a colleague, or someone from a support group or community center. You might say, “I just need someone to listen. Can I talk to you about something I’m going through?” It could be over text, phone, or in person. Choose someone who has shown kindness or non-judgmental behavior in the past. It’s okay if you haven’t told them about your situation before; you can share as much or as little detail as you feel comfortable. The goal today is to break the silence further. If your immediate family is unsupportive, you can begin to build your own support network. This could also be a trained counselor or an advocate from a local women’s shelter (many shelters offer free counseling or support groups for survivors of abuse, even if you’re not staying there). Many survivors say that the act of telling someone and hearing “I believe you, it’s not your fault” is a turning point. You deserve that validation. Every time you speak your truth, the shame that was never yours to carry gets a little lighter.

• Ensure Immediate Safety and Set Boundaries for Today: Emotional abuse often escalates, and can sometimes turn physical without warning. Pay attention to your safety today. If an argument or threat occurs and you feel unsafe, have a plan to exit the situation quickly. For example, keep your car keys and phone in an easy-to-grab spot, or have a room you can lock yourself in if needed. If you feel in immediate danger at any point, do not hesitate to call emergency services (911 in the US, 999 in the UK, 112 in EU, etc.). Yes, even if it’s “just” verbal abuse – if you fear violence, call. You might say, “I’m afraid for my safety; my partner is threatening me.” Even if the police cannot do much legally right now, it creates an official record of the incident. Also, consider setting small boundaries with your unsupportive family for today to protect your emotional well-being. For example, if your mother tends to call and make you feel worse, let her call go to voicemail for now. You are allowed to give yourself breathing room from people who hurt you, even if they’re family. Focus on self-care in small ways: eat something, drink water, take a shower or a short walk if you can safely. These basics are important when you’re under severe stress.

• Download and Set Up the WomanAid Safety App (Silent Mode): This app is designed for situations just like yours – where you need a discreet lifeline. Today, install WomanAid on your smartphone (it’s available for Android and iOS). Explore its features, starting with the “Healthy Relationship” safety scenario (this scenario is also referred to as Safe Relationship in some versions of the app). In the app, you can link this scenario to your Home geozone – meaning, you set your home address or area as a geofence, and whenever you’re at home, the app can automatically switch to the Healthy Relationship scenario for you. Why does that matter? Because the Healthy Relationship scenario is configured for exactly your kind of situation: it enables Silent Mode emergency alerts. If you ever need to press the SOS button, it will not blare a loud siren or alert your abuser. Instead, it will quietly gather evidence (like audio recording) and send a notification to your chosen trusted contacts, without tipping off the person harming you. Spend a few minutes today adding one or two Trusted Contacts in the app – perhaps that friend or cousin you trust, or even your own second phone or email if you have no one else. You can customize what information gets sent to them in an SOS (your location, a pre-written message, etc.). The app will guide you; for example, you might write a message like, “I’m in danger at home – please check on me” that would be sent if you trigger an SOS. Set up a PIN code for the app and enable any disguise feature if available (some safety apps allow you to use a fake app icon or require a PIN to open, so an abuser doesn’t see a “safety app” on your phone). WomanAid likely has a stealth mode given it’s designed for personal security. These steps may feel technical, but once done, they provide peace of mind. Knowing you have a silent panic button in your pocket can help you feel less alone tonight.

What to Do Soon (Next Steps for Ongoing Safety)

After getting through the immediate day-to-day, it’s time to think slightly longer-term. The following are actions to take in the coming days and weeks that will strengthen your emotional safety plan and prepare you for possible exit strategies or interventions. You don’t have to do these all at once – pace yourself, and prioritize what feels most urgent and feasible.

• Expand Your Support Network and Inform Key People: Identify a few more people or resources who can be in your corner. This could include joining a local support group for domestic violence survivors (many are available virtually if you can’t attend in person), finding a therapist who understands trauma and abuse, or confiding in a healthcare provider about what’s happening (sometimes doctors can note the stress or injuries in your medical record, which becomes documentation). If you have trusted neighbors, you might give them a heads-up to call the police if they ever hear dangerous commotion. Also, within the WomanAid app, explore the “My Safety → Experts/NPO” section. There you’ll find contact info for local experts, non-profits, and domestic violence organizations. Use this feature to find a nearby women’s shelter or advocacy group – even if you don’t need shelter, these organizations often offer free counseling, legal advice, or support groups. Connecting with a domestic violence advocate can help you craft a personalized safety plan and navigate systems (like how to report abuse in a way that police must respond, or how to file for a protective order if things escalate). The sad truth is that 71% of survivors in one study received no specialist support and had to rely solely on family and friends – and if your family is unsupportive, that gap must be filled by others. Reaching out to professionals or survivor communities can fill that gap with people who truly get it. Over time, build a small circle of support that you can lean on emotionally (and in an emergency). You are effectively creating your own “family” of choice who believes you – an incredibly empowering step.

• Secure Important Documents and Finances: Start quietly preparing for the possibility that you might need to leave on short notice, especially if the abuse worsens. This is not to say you must leave now, but being ready is key to an emotional safety plan (knowing you have options reduces anxiety). Gather copies of essential documents: ID or passport, marriage certificate, birth certificates (yours and children’s if any), social security or national insurance numbers, financial records, etc. If it’s not safe to keep papers at home, consider storing digital copies on a secure cloud (you could even email scans to yourself, or upload in a password-locked cloud folder). Stash a bit of emergency cash if you can do so without it being noticed – even $20 hidden in a shoe is a start. If you have joint finances that your abuser controls or monitors, consider opening a new bank account in your name only at a different bank, and do not have statements mailed to your home (use e-statements or a trusted friend’s address). These actions might seem premature, but they are like an insurance policy – you hope you won’t need to run, but if you do, you’ll have what you need to start fresh. Additionally, keep a hidden “go bag” with a change of clothes, a set of keys, and any medication or important items, maybe stored at a friend’s place or even in the trunk of your car. This preparatory step will quietly bolster your confidence that you have choices, which is vital for your emotional well-being.

• Continue Using Technology Discreetly to Collect Evidence: Use the tools at your disposal to gather evidence of the abuse, in case you decide to involve law enforcement or legal action later. WomanAid’s app can be your ally here. For example, if a frightening incident happens, you can activate the Healthy Relationship (silent) scenario SOS. When you do, the app will start audio recording discreetly and save the recording to your encrypted Safety Journal. It will also send an alert to your trusted contact(s) that you set up, with your location and a notification that you need help – all without any siren or obvious indicator on your phone screen (the alert might show up as an innocuous notification or in a hidden “Incoming” section of the app). These audio recordings can capture yelling, threats, or other evidence in the moment. All recordings made in silent mode are stored privately in the app’s files (only you can access them), and you can later choose to back them up to the WomanAid secure cloud for safekeeping. Even if you don’t use SOS in the moment, you can use WomanAid’s audio record feature manually whenever safe to do so – say, you feel an argument brewing, you might hit record (perhaps via a quick shortcut the app provides, such as pressing a volume button or using a widget). Over time you might collect voice clips of him raging, or a video of him punching a wall, or screenshots of abusive text messages (upload those to the Safety Journal too). This might feel like the last thing you want to do during an ugly episode, but it can be as simple as tapping a button and then putting the phone aside. These pieces of evidence could later be the proof that turns a “he-said, she-said” into a clear pattern of coercive control. They might help you get a restraining order, or convince law enforcement or a court of what you’ve been enduring. Lack of evidence is often a huge barrier in holding abusers accountable – you are proactively overcoming that barrier. Just remember to keep this evidence hidden and secure. The WomanAid app’s Safety Journal is ideal, as it’s PIN-protected and even allows you to store evidence in the cloud (or export it to email) if needed. If you’re not using the app, you could email recordings to a new email account only you know about, or save files on a USB drive you keep at work or with a friend. Taking these steps may also bolster your confidence: you’ll start to see a tangible chronology of abuse, which confirms “No, it’s not in my head, it’s really happening and it’s wrong.” Collecting evidence is a way of affirming your own story and laying the groundwork for justice when you’re ready for it.

• Learn About Your Legal Options (Even for Emotional Abuse): While emotional abuse by itself isn’t explicitly illegal in many places, the actions that make up the abuse often are. You may not be ready to take legal action now, but knowing your options is empowering. Do a bit of research (when safe to do so, maybe on a library computer or a private browsing session) on your area’s laws: What counts as harassment or stalking? Can you get a protective order for threats or psychological abuse in your jurisdiction? For instance, some U.S. states and countries now allow restraining orders for coercive control or have broadened definitions of domestic violence. Many places include harassment, terroristic threats, or vandalism (like breaking your things) as valid reasons for a protective order. Knowledge is power. Contact a domestic violence advocate or legal aid service – many offer free consultations. They can help frame what’s happening in legal terms. For example, instead of telling police “he’s emotionally abusive,” an advocate might suggest you say, “He has threatened to hurt me and he follows me around the house not letting me leave” – phrasing it this way highlights specific behaviors (threats, unlawful restraint) that are crimes. The Women’s Law initiative suggests describing the abuse in terms of concrete actions (e.g. “constant harassment by texts, threats to kill my dog, destroying my property”) when reporting, since those align with actual offenses. Over the coming weeks, consider secretly consulting a lawyer or a free legal clinic to explore what you could do if you decide to leave or get a protective order. You do not have to act immediately, but having a game plan will reduce the fear of the unknown. It might be as simple as figuring out how to file a police report and with which department, or what evidence is needed for a court order. Even if you faced dismissal before, circumstances can change – especially if you now have documented incidents. Keep in mind: emotional abuse often escalates. Preparing now means if it ever crosses into a direct threat or violence, you’ll be ready to act swiftly and know exactly who to call and what to say.

• Strengthen Your Emotional Resilience and Self-Care: Abuse takes a toll on mental health. In the coming days, try to fortify your emotional resilience. This could involve seeking counseling (many domestic violence organizations offer free or sliding-scale counseling with professionals who understand trauma). It could also be deliberately scheduling moments of joy or calm for yourself as acts of resistance against the abuse. For instance, set aside 10 minutes before bed to do something that nurtures you – maybe it’s listening to a favorite song, writing in a journal (apart from the incident log, a private journal of feelings or even an gratitude list can help remind you of your identity outside the abuse), or practicing a short meditation. In the WomanAid app, check out the “Healthy Relationships” resources or the interactive plans if available. The app may have educational content or even small exercises in its “Protection Center” or similar sections – for example, some safety apps provide tips on coping with anxiety or strategies to respond to verbal attacks calmly. Utilize these tools to rebuild your confidence and sense of self. Also consider reading books or articles on surviving emotional abuse; hearing others’ stories can be validating. Repeating a simple mantra each morning might sound trivial, but it can help rewire your perspective: “I am not alone. I deserve to be treated with respect. I am stronger than this abuse.” Over time, these positive affirmations counteract the negative voices around you. Building resilience is not about blaming you for not being “strong enough” – it’s about giving yourself the emotional armor to withstand the stress until you can change your situation. Think of it like keeping your battery charged; abuse drains it, so you need regular recharging through whatever healthy means work for you (therapy, prayer, exercise, art, support group, etc.).

• Plan (But Don’t Announce) an Exit Strategy: This step is delicate and might be further down the line, but it’s worth considering: if your husband’s behavior doesn’t change (and unfortunately, abusive personalities rarely change without major intervention), you may eventually choose to leave the relationship for your safety and sanity. Start envisioning what that would require and look like. Do you have somewhere you could go temporarily (a friend, relative, or a domestic violence shelter) if you had to leave suddenly? Research shelters or safe houses in your region just to know their locations and contact info (the WomanAid app’s Experts/NPO directory can help here too). Think about logistics: would you need to arrange child care or take your kids with you? If you have children, learning about custody implications ahead of time is wise (some areas let you include kids on protection orders, for instance). Build a mental (or written, if secure) exit plan: which documents and items to grab, what time of day or day of week would be safest to go, etc. Crucially, do not tell your abuser or unsupportive family about these plans. Even well-meaning but unsupportive folks might accidentally tip off your partner (“She’s thinking of leaving you!”), which could increase your danger. This plan is for you. The goal isn’t to necessarily act on it immediately, but to know that you have a way out. This knowledge can be empowering and reduce the helplessness that abusers bank on. According to research, a survivor often attempts to leave multiple times before it sticks, and it’s the most dangerous time because the abuser feels loss of control. So planning carefully and in secret is key. When you are ready, an advocate can help you execute the plan safely. In the meantime, keep the escape plan flexible and updated. Even if you choose to stay and work on the relationship (for example, if your partner seeks counseling or you’re not ready to leave), having a backup plan is wise. It’s like knowing the fire exits in a building – you hope you never need them, but it’s vital to know where they are.

Throughout all these steps, compassionately remind yourself that you are doing the best you can in an incredibly difficult situation. Progress might be slow and non-linear – that’s okay. Some days you might feel ready to take on the world; other days, just getting out of bed is an achievement. Celebrate the small victories (like “I talked to a hotline counselor,” or “I went a whole day without apologizing for things that aren’t my fault”). Every item on this plan is an act of reclaiming power. Each step chips away at the control your abuser and the discouragement of others have over you. You are, step by step, building an emotional safety net for yourself.

Lastly, let’s talk about the role of the WomanAid app features in your safety plan. We’ve already touched on some, but to summarize the integration:

• Healthy Relationship Scenario with Home Geozone: Set this up so that whenever you are home (where most abuse incidents happen), your app is in silent mode ready – meaning one tap of SOS will quietly send for help and start recording, rather than an audible alarm. This ensures your emotional safety plan has a high-tech guardian angel watching, especially during those tense moments at home. The app can automatically switch to this scenario when you enter your home geofence, so you don’t even have to remember to do it – it’s just always prepared in the background.

• Silent Mode SOS and Audio Evidence: In silent scenarios like Healthy Relationship, if you press the SOS button, there will be no siren or flashy lights. Instead, your phone will look unremarkable while it records audio of what’s happening and alerts your Trusted Contacts. For example, if a confrontation starts, you could discreetly hit the power button (if configured as a trigger) or tap the SOS and tuck your phone away – the app will capture the threats or screaming on tape. This evidence is gold: it’s automatically saved to your Safety Journal with a time stamp and location. Later, you can replay it or use it if you decide to involve police or court. It also notifies people you chose that you need help, all without your abuser knowing. That means a friend could call to interrupt, or even knock on the door, diffusing the situation, or call the police on your behalf if they hear something concerning. It’s like having an emergency button specifically for domestic abuse situations, tailored to be discrete.

• Ongoing Safety Journal and Evidence Vault: Make it a habit to add any evidence to the WomanAid Safety Journal. There’s a section to attach photos, screenshots, or notes. If he sends abusive texts, screenshot them and upload. If you have old voicemails of him yelling, those can be stored too. The app’s journal keeps everything in one secure place, organized by scenario (e.g., all entries under “Safe Relationship” scenario). You can even record your own reflections in the journal – like a diary entry after an incident. It’s protected by a passcode that only you know, so even if someone gets into your phone, they can’t open that journal without the code. This gives you a safe space to gather your story. Later, if you seek a restraining order or need to recount events to a therapist or lawyer, you won’t have to rely on memory alone – you’ll have dates, recordings, and descriptions ready. Collecting these Safety Journal entries is part of your emotional safety plan because it’s a way of telling yourself “My experience matters. I’m preserving it. I won’t let anyone sweep it under the rug.”

• Silent “Check-ins” and Geozones: The app likely has a feature where if you don’t cancel an SOS within a countdown, it will automatically alert others. This is useful if you are ever in a situation where you can’t use your hands (say, your phone is in your pocket). Also, consider setting up a Timed Check-in if available: for instance, if you have to have a difficult conversation with your husband tonight, you could set the app to require you to check in by a certain time, and if you don’t, it alerts a trusted contact. Another geozone trick: if there are certain triggers (like when your husband comes home from work, or when you go somewhere with him), you can schedule or manually switch scenarios to be in silent SOS mode during those times. WomanAid also has scenarios for outside, work, etc., but for now, focus on the home scenario since that’s where you’re facing the abuse.

• “Silent Mode” Practice: Familiarize yourself with how the app works so you can use it under stress. There is often a Practice or Training Mode for SOS in these apps. Use it. Practice pressing the SOS and canceling it within the grace period so you know what to expect (in WomanAid, it might show an “Incoming” silent alert with a countdown). This way, if you ever need it, muscle memory will kick in. It might also reduce anxiety to know exactly what will happen when you press that button. Does the phone vibrate? Does a notification appear? Knowing these details means no surprises in the moment of crisis.

In summary, the WomanAid app is like a multi-tool for your safety: it’s an audio recorder, panic button, evidence locker, and resource guide all in one. It was built for scenarios just like yours, where you have to be smart and covert about getting help. Incorporating it into your safety plan can make a significant difference. One day, if you choose to report the abuse to police, you could have an organized dossier of proof – dates, audio clips, pictures, journal entries. Instead of “just her word”, you’ll have a robust case to show, which can compel action. Police and courts are far more likely to take emotional abuse seriously when presented with clear, documented patterns of behavior. And even before any legal action, having this evidence is a validation of your truth.

Empowerment

I know this is a lot to take in. If you are feeling overwhelmed, pause for a moment. Let’s do a quick grounding exercise together, right here, right now. This is something you can use anytime anxiety or despair starts to spiral – a simple tool to bring you back to the present and remind you that you have control over this moment, if nothing else.

Grounding Practice (60 seconds): Sit comfortably and gently close your eyes (or soften your gaze). Take a slow, deep breath in through your nose, counting 1…2…3…4. Feel your lungs fill up, your chest and belly expanding with strength. Now hold that breath for a count of 1…2…3…4. Finally, exhale slowly through your mouth 1…2…3…4…5…6, as if you are sighing out all the tension. Let your shoulders drop. Let the stress flow out with the breath. Repeat this breathing cycle a few times: inhale calm… hold… exhale stress.

As you breathe, you can try a simple visualization: imagine that with each inhale, you’re breathing in self-confidence and courage – a warm, golden light filling your body. With each exhale, you’re blowing away the dark cloud of self-doubt and fear. If your mind wanders to negative thoughts, that’s okay; notice them and then gently bring your focus back to the sound of your breath. You are here, right now, and you are safe in this moment.

Now, open your eyes and look around. Name (either out loud or in your mind) five things you can see in your environment – the pattern on the curtains, the book on the table, a tree outside the window… Next, name four things you can physically feel – the carpet under your feet, the mug in your hand, your heartbeat, the chair supporting you. Then name three things you can hear – distant traffic, your breathing, a bird singing. Then two things you can smell – maybe your coffee, or the fresh air. Finally, one thing you can taste – even just the taste of your own mouth or a sip of water. This is the “5-4-3-2-1” grounding technique. It brings your awareness to the present and out of the looping anxious thoughts.

By now, your breath is probably steadier. Notice if you feel even a tiny bit more in control or calm. Your problems haven’t vanished – but you’ve just proven to yourself that you can find moments of calm even in the storm. You have that power.

Going forward, remember to be gentle with yourself. The fact that you have survived this abuse so far and are seeking solutions shows your resilience. You are not “weak” for being affected by cruel words or threats – anyone would be. In fact, enduring this and still finding the strength to reach out for help (reading articles like this, making plans) is a testament to your courage. Give yourself credit for every act of self-preservation, no matter how small.

Think of the millions of women who have walked this path before you and emerged on the other side – some with family support, many without. They felt what you’re feeling: the confusion, the fear, the flicker of hope. They would tell you: You are stronger than you know. The voice inside that said “I deserve respect” is your inner strength speaking. Nurture it. Every time you stand up for yourself – whether it’s by setting a boundary, documenting abuse, using your Safety app, or simply by refusing to believe the lie that it’s your fault – that inner strength grows.

You mentioned your mother told you to “just endure.” But endurance doesn’t mean acceptance of abuse. Real endurance is surviving day by day while quietly refusing to let the abuse define your future. You are enduring – and you are planning, learning, and empowering yourself. That is something to be proud of. Your mother may not see the truth, but you do. And there is a whole community – advocates, counselors, apps like WomanAid, and fellow survivors – who see it too and stand with you.

On the days when self-doubt creeps in, revisit your journal or this article, and read the words of experts and survivors: it’s not your fault. Say it out loud if you can: “It’s not my fault. The way he treats me is on him. I deserve love and support.” It may feel awkward at first, but over time, those words will start to feel more believable. One day, you will internalize them fully and they will drown out the negative voices.

As a final encouragement, consider this: the fact that you reached out to family in the first place means you have hope – hope that things can change. Your family might have let you down, but do not let that extinguish your hope. Help is still out there. Change is possible – maybe not by changing your abuser or your mother, but by changing your environment and who has the power to influence you. You are already taking steps in that direction. Hope is your superpower right now. It’s what propels you to build an emotional safety plan, to collect evidence, to envision a happier life free of fear. Cling to it. Hope will guide you through the darkest moments, until you reach safety and freedom.

You are worthy of a life that isn’t just endured, but enjoyed. It might take time and help, but it is absolutely within reach. Keep going – step by step, day by day. And know that so many of us are silently cheering you on. You’ve got this.

Resources

You are not alone, and help is available. In addition to the steps above, we highly encourage you to download the WomanAid Safety App (if you haven’t already) as a practical tool in your journey. Within the app, explore the “My Safety → Experts/NPO” section – there you will find listings of local organizations, hotlines, and experts who specialize in domestic violence and emotional abuse. These are nonprofits and professionals (counselors, legal aid, support groups) who can provide guidance and support. Reaching out to an expert or a support organization can connect you with people who truly understand coercive control and can offer tangible help, from safety planning to legal advice, often for free.

Some additional resources to consider:

• Local Shelters and DV Programs – use the WomanAid app or websites like DomesticShelters.org to find nearby shelters, advocacy centers, or counselors. Many have services specifically for emotional abuse survivors, including support groups where you can share and hear from others in similar situations (a powerful reminder that you’re not the crazy one).

• Therapy and Counseling – If accessible, consider trauma-informed therapy. Organizations like the Domestic Violence Hotline or local charities can often refer you to free or low-cost counselors who get domestic abuse. Online therapy platforms might also have specialists in abuse recovery.

• Law Enforcement Victim Advocates – Some police departments have victim advocates or domestic violence officers. Even if prior attempts didn’t yield help, a victim advocate (reachable through DA offices or police units) might help you navigate reporting emotional abuse in terms of legally recognized offenses.

• Legal Information – WomensLaw.org (a project of NNEDV) has an excellent website explaining laws in each state, including what counts as abuse for restraining orders. Knowledge is power – knowing that, for example, your state allows protective orders for stalking or harassment can inform how you document incidents.

• Books and Online Communities – Books like “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft shed light on abuser psychology and can be very validating. Online forums (with anonymous usernames) such as certain subreddits for abuse survivors or Facebook support groups (closed groups) can provide community support – just be cautious with privacy and consider using a pseudonym to prevent being identified by the abuser.

Finally, keep engaging with empowering content (like this blog or the WomanAid community). The more you learn, the more confident you’ll become. You have a whole army of resources at your fingertips, even if your family or partner tries to isolate you from them. Reach out – help is waiting. And every time you accept help or information, you’re disproving the lie that you’re alone.

Disclaimer

This article is for educational and supportive purposes and is not a substitute for professional legal or medical advice. We are not lawyers or doctors. We encourage you to consult with licensed professionals (such as attorneys, law enforcement, or healthcare providers) for advice tailored to your specific situation. Every individual’s circumstances are different, and laws vary by location. The strategies discussed here are general; please adapt them carefully to your context and seek expert counsel when in doubt. Your safety is paramount – follow professional guidance for any decisions that could affect your well-being.

Emergency

If you are in immediate danger or fear for your safety, call your local emergency services number right away (for example, 911 in the US, 999 in the UK, 112 in the EU). Do not hesitate. Law enforcement can escort you to safety or intervene in the moment. If you cannot call, and you have the WomanAid app or another safety app, use the SOS feature to alert trusted contacts and authorities if configured. In an acute crisis – such as if an argument is escalating and you feel physically threatened – prioritize getting to a safe location. This might mean leaving the house and going to a neighbor’s, a police station, or any public place where others are around. You can also scream for help or activate any audible alarm if you think it will summon help from nearby.

Your life and safety are more important than anything else. Protecting yourself is the #1 priority. Everything else – documents, plans, even this article – can be dealt with later. If you have children in danger, take them with you when you flee if at all possible. And remember, you don’t have to wait to be hurt to seek help: threats and terror are enough reason to get emergency assistance. The moment you feel at serious risk, act. There are people out there – from first responders to kind strangers – who will help you if they know you’re in danger. Don’t let anyone, not even a dismissive family member, dissuade you from calling for help when you need it. You deserve to be safe.

Stay safe and remember that there is a path forward, one step at a time. You are worthy of help, happiness, and a life free from fear.