I Tried to Change Everything About Myself — It Still Wasn’t Enough

Story: Losing Herself in His Demands

I stopped recognizing the woman in my mirror. I had tried to change everything about myself to keep him calm. I wore less makeup, because he said I was “drawing too much attention.” I unfollowed friends and deleted half my social media subscriptions, because he thought I was “talking to too many people.” I even stopped posting photos and went out less, hoping he’d feel more secure. Each time he complained, I shrank myself a little more, believing if I just did as he asked, he’d finally be happy. For a moment, I thought it was working. But he only found new reasons to criticize: “You’re always on your phone,” “You must be hiding something.” His distrust twisted even my quiet moments. The more I gave up pieces of myself, the more pieces of me disappeared. Friends drifted away; my world grew as small as his shadow. Still, he wasn’t satisfied. One night, looking at my reflection—plain, anxious, a stranger—I wondered with a sinking heart: Why am I never enough for him? Is it really me that’s the problem? 

Awareness: Understanding Coercive Control and Why It’s Not Your Fault

If this story feels familiar, you are not alone. Feeling confused, ashamed, or as if you “allowed” this to happen is a common reaction for survivors of psychological abuse. Let’s be clear: that voice in your head asking “What did I do wrong?” is echoing his manipulation, not reality. Controllers and abusers are experts at making you doubt yourself. They plant guilt like a seed and water it with isolation, until you feel too embarrassed to tell anyone. You might have even tried reporting emotional abuse or stalking to authorities, only to be shrugged off. Tragically, many women’s cries for help are dismissed if there are no bruises. Police and officials often fail victims of “invisible” abuse – sometimes saying “we can’t do anything until he hits you”. In one 2022 survey of domestic abuse survivors, over 53% had to report abuse at least twice before police took action, and 12% felt the police never helped at all. So if your pleas have been ignored or you were made to feel you’re overreacting, remember: the system isn’t perfect, but your pain is real and valid.

What you’re experiencing is abuse – even without bruises. It has a name: coercive control. Domestic abuse isn’t always physical; coercive control is a pattern of threats, humiliation, intimidation, and other tactics used to harm, punish, or frighten a victim. Instead of punches or slaps, an abuser uses words, rules, and mind games as weapons. He’s not “protective” or “insecure” – he’s controlling you. In fact, coercive and controlling behavior is at the heart of most domestic abuse. It’s like he’s building an invisible cage around you: “Coercive control creates invisible chains and a sense of fear that pervades all elements of a survivor’s life,” as Women’s Aid describes. You start to feel captive in an unreal world he created – walking on eggshells, questioning your own judgment, living in constant contradiction and fear. That confusion you feel is by design. He wants you dependent and doubting yourself, so that you believe you need him or that no one else will understand.

Let’s put a name to his behaviors. These are classic coercive control signs and red flags in an abusive relationship:

• Isolation: He cuts you off from friends and family. (Complaining you “talk to too many people” until you withdraw from your support network.)

• Monitoring and Jealousy: He tracks your time, your phone, your online activity. He reads your messages or demands you delete social media, accusing you of attracting attention or hiding things.

• Control Over Your Life: He dictates what you wear, how you should look, where you can go, and who you can see. (“Don’t dress provocatively,” “Don’t go out without me.”) Your personal choices shrink under his rules.

• Constant Criticism & Gaslighting: He repeatedly puts you down – says you’re too selfish, too flirty, or “not a good girlfriend/wife”. He blames you for his jealousy (“If you didn’t dress that way, I wouldn’t get mad”). He may even deny things he said or make you feel crazy for objecting (classic gaslighting).

• Threats and Punishments: He might not hit you, but he uses intimidation. Maybe he threatens to break things, hurt himself, or leave you if you don’t comply. You feel afraid of the next “explosion” when you step out of line. Even his silent treatment is a form of punishment, training you to submit.

Do these behaviors sound familiar? Even if he sometimes apologizes or is loving between outbursts, the pattern is toxic. This is abuse. You are not “too sensitive”. You are living under coercive control, which many experts liken to being held hostage psychologicall. And crucially: It’s not your fault. No matter how much you change yourself, his behavior wouldn’t truly improve – because the problem lies in him wanting control, not in you being “not good enough.”

You might also wonder “Am I overreacting? He hasn’t hit me.” But abuse often escalates. Coercive control itself is now recognized as a crime in some places (the UK, for example, criminalized it in 2015). Authorities are slowly waking up to the fact that these invisible scars are just as serious as physical violence. Sadly, enforcement is catching up: tens of thousands of coercive control incidents get reported to police each year, yet convictions are few – showing how hard it is to get justice. But you don’t need a court to validate that this happened to you. Your fear, your confusion, your sense of walking on eggshells – those are the wounds of emotional abuse. They are real, and you deserve support and healing.

Focused Plan: Reclaiming Safety and Control (What to Do)

Breaking free, emotionally and physically, starts with small, safe steps. You may not be ready to make big changes overnight – that’s okay. Here’s a focused plan using the SAFE method, to help you regain a sense of control and prepare for the future. Think of it as building your emotional safety plan and practical safety net, one step at a time.

What to Do Today (Small Steps for Safety)

• Confide in someone you trust (quietly): Reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or an anonymous domestic violence hotline counselor. You don’t have to spill every detail at once; even saying “I’m going through something difficult at home” is a start. Breaking the silence can release some of the shame and help you feel less alone. If you’re afraid he monitors your calls or texts, try to find a safe time (perhaps when he’s at work) or use a different device. The key is to start building a support network, no matter how small. You might also explore support communities where other women understand what you’re going through. (In the WomanAid app’s “My Safety” menu, for example, there’s an Experts/NGOs section that lists verified hotlines and local support services you can contact discreetly.)

• Document the abuse privately: Begin keeping a record of what’s happening – a safety journal. Write down incidents with dates, what was said or done, and how it made you feel. Save any threatening messages, emails, or voicemails (screenshot them if possible and email to a safe address, or store them in a secure folder/app). Having this written record will remind you that “No, it’s not just in my head, it did happen.” It can also serve as evidence later if you decide to seek legal protection. Make sure to hide this journal where he can’t find it – use a password or keep it with a friend. (You could use a secure digital tool like the WomanAid app’s Safety Journal, which is passcode-protected and stores evidence safely. The app even lets you record audio of threats or incidents silently, and saves those files in your protected journal.) Always consider your safety: document only if you’re confident he won’t discover it, as discovery could provoke him.

• Secure your digital life: It’s sadly common for controlling partners to install spyware or constantly check their victim’s devices. Take steps to protect your privacy. Update your passwords on email and social media (choose ones he can’t guess). Enable two-factor authentication on accounts so he can’t hack in. Check your phone for any unknown apps or forwarding of messages. Turn off location sharing or check-ins that he might be using to track you. You might even consider using a cheap secondary phone for private communications with friends or support services, while keeping your main phone “clean” for him to see. Additionally, when searching online for help (like reading this article), use a safe browser mode or remember to clear your history. (Apps like WomanAid have an Interactive Mode – essentially a neutral-looking interface that lets you use safety features without drawing attention. If you install such an app, engage its Incognito/Silent Mode so the icon and notifications stay low-profile.) The goal is to create some digital safe space where you can ask for help or gather information without him controlling it.

• Ground yourself in reality (self-check): Psychological abuse can make your mind foggy. Take a moment each day to remind yourself: “I am not what he says I am. My feelings are real. His behavior is not okay.” It might help to write affirmations in a hidden place or notes on your phone that you can read when you feel guilty. For instance: “I deserve to be safe and respected,” or “It’s not my fault he behaves this way.” These reminders act as mental lifelines, keeping you connected to reality when he is gaslighting or blaming you. If you have access to counseling (even free helpline counseling), consider it – a professional can help validate your experience and clear the confusion. (The WomanAid app’s Interactive Mode also offers quick guided exercises for mental resilience and calm. Even a one-minute breathing exercise can help clear your mind from his voice and hear your own again.)

What to Plan Ahead (Longer-Term Safety Steps)

• Prepare an emergency bag and plan: Hopefully you won’t need it, but having a “go-bag” ready can literally be a lifesaver. Pack a small bag with essentials: a bit of cash, spare keys, a copy of important documents (ID, passport, bank cards), any necessary medications, and a change of clothes. Hide this bag somewhere he won’t find it – maybe at a friend’s house or even at your workplace, if possible. This way, if you ever need to leave in a hurry (or he kicks you out suddenly), you won’t be trapped with nothing. Also, plan out where you could go in an emergency – a trusted friend’s place or a local women’s shelter. Memorize important phone numbers in case you can’t access your phone. It might feel paranoid to do this, but think of it as insurance: you hope not to use it, but if things get dangerously worse, you’ll be glad it’s there.

• Create a safety signal or code word: Develop a simple emergency signal with someone you trust. It could be a code phrase you text, like “I might pick up that red wine after all,” which you’ve pre-agreed will actually mean “call me to check if I’m safe” or even “send help.” Or a certain emoji, or missed call pattern. If you have neighbors you trust, you might arrange that if they hear loud screams or a specific noise (like you banging on the wall), they will call the police for you. Having a silent alarm system in your personal life can bring peace of mind. (There are also tech tools for this: for example, the WomanAid app lets you add Trusted Contacts who get an alert and your GPS location if you trigger an SOS. You can even set up a geofence – the app will automatically switch to a Loud alarm mode when you leave a certain area, like turning on Street Safety when you exit your home zone. This means if you run out of the house in danger, the app can automatically notify your contacts or sound a siren without you fumbling to call 911.)

• Learn about your rights and options: Educate yourself quietly about what legal or community resources are available. For instance, does your area have laws against coercive control or stalking? (Many regions are starting to recognize these, and a restraining order could be possible even for non-physical abuse – it depends on evidence and local law.) Research domestic violence advocates or clinics; many offer free legal advice or will accompany you if you decide to report the abuse. Be prepared that not all authorities understand coercive control well – as we noted, some officers still wrongly say “we can’t help unless it’s physical.” If you ever encounter that, remember they are wrong. You have the right to report emotional, psychological, and verbal abuse and be taken seriously. An advocate from a women’s organization can help ensure your report is filed properly. Even if you’re not ready to involve police, knowing your legal options (like the process for a protection order, custody of children if you have any, etc.) can empower you. Knowledge is power – and it’s the power he has tried to take from you.

• Leverage technology for safety (carefully): In addition to the steps above, consider using a dedicated personal safety app or device – with precautions so he doesn’t find out. For example, WomanAid Safety app (for iOS/Android) is one option designed for situations like yours. It has a Home scenario called “Healthy Relationships” specifically to counteract partner abuse quietly. In that mode, if you trigger an SOS, it will record audio evidence and alert your trusted contacts discreetly, without making a sound to tip off the abuser. This kind of silent SOS can be a lifeline if you ever fear immediate harm but can’t call openly for help. The app can also switch modes automatically via geofencing – so when you leave home, it might activate a louder alarm mode or notify loved ones that you’re out, and when you return home, it switches back to silent mode. Explore these features when you have privacy, and practice a drill (many apps have a test mode) so you feel confident using it under stress. Additionally, use the Safety Journal feature to store any evidence (photos of injuries, recordings of his threats) securely behind a PIN. The bottom line: technology can augment your safety plan – just be sure to keep it secret. Use a neutral app icon (or the app’s incognito mode), and don’t let him see you with your phone in a way that raises suspicion.

• Plan for emotional safety and healing: An often overlooked part of a safety plan is how you’ll take care of your inner self. Coercive control damages your self-esteem and mental health. So, think about what support you’ll need to heal. This could mean lining up a therapist or support group for survivors (there are even online support groups if you can’t go in person). It could mean scheduling regular “reality checks” with a friend (where you talk about what’s happening and they reassure you you’re not crazy). It might include journaling your feelings or using a mood-tracking app to understand your emotional ups and downs. Plan small acts of self-care: maybe it’s as simple as a daily walk, or 5 minutes of meditation in a locked bathroom, or keeping a comforting object (like a photo of someone who loves you) in your purse to look at when he makes you feel low. These little things are not trivial – they’re your lifelines to sanity. As your situation changes (if you leave, or if he gets help, etc.), adjust your emotional safety plan. Healing is a journey, but you can start laying the groundwork now by reminding yourself of who you are outside of his control.

Empowerment: You Are Not Alone – Reclaiming You (Hope and Healing)

Dear reader, you are not alone in this. Millions of women have walked a similar path – feeling trapped, minimized, and unsure of their own reality. It’s important you hear this: You have absolutely the right to be safe, to dress how you like, to speak to friends, to live without constant fear. Love should never require you to erase yourself. The fact that you have survived each day of this coercive control means you are resilient – even if you don’t feel it right now. The shame is not yours to carry; it belongs to the person who abused your trust.

It may take time to rebuild the self-worth that has been stripped away, but it can be rebuilt. Think of yourself as a dimmed light – the light is still there, waiting to shine again when it’s safe. Little by little, as you take back control, you’ll feel that light growing. Every small step – confiding in a friend, writing in your journal, talking to a counselor, downloading a safety app – is you fighting for yourself. Each act of resistance, even if it’s hidden from him, is a declaration: “I matter. My life matters beyond his rules.”

On hard days, you might still hear his critical voice in your head. To help quiet it, try this 30-second grounding practice with me now (if you feel safe to do so):

Take a deep breath in through your nose, filling your lungs... now exhale slowly through your mouth. Feel your feet on the floor. If you can, place a hand on your heart or hug your arms around yourself. Notice something around you – the color of the sky out the window, the hum of the fridge, any detail – to bring your mind into the present. Inhale for a count of 4... hold for 2... exhale for 6. As you breathe, silently say to yourself: “I am here. I am worthy of love and respect. This isn’t my fault. I believe my own truth.” Take one more deep breath. You might feel your heart rate slowing down and your mind clearing. Whenever panic or self-doubt creeps in, use your breath as an anchor to remind you of your inner strength. Your abuser’s voice is loud, but it doesn’t own the whole truth about you.

You are strong, and you deserve help. There are people out there – counselors, support workers, other survivors – who understand what coercive control is and will never say “just get over it” or “why didn’t you leave sooner.” They know it’s complex and scary. They will believe you. The road ahead might feel daunting, but with each step you’ll rediscover pieces of the self you thought you lost. One day, you’ll look in the mirror and recognize yourself again – bruises or not, you are still there, and you are enough.

Above all, remember: You are not defined by his abuse. You are not “crazy,” not “too sensitive,” not whatever nasty labels he used. You are a person who has been doing what she must to survive. Now, you have permission to start living for you. Whether that means quietly planning your exit or finding ways to reclaim space within the relationship, you have choices. The cage door is not locked forever – and you hold the key, even if your hands are trembling while you use it.

As you move forward, celebrate every victory, no matter how small: the day you reached out for help, the first night you slept soundly without checking your phone, the moment you laughed without fear again. These are the beginnings of freedom. Healing is possible. Trust yourself and the process.

You’re Not Alone – Support Is Available

• Reach out for support: Consider installing the WomanAid Safety app as a companion on your journey. It’s free and built for situations like yours. In the app’s “My Safety” section, you’ll find a directory of Experts/NGOs – local helplines, counselors, and shelters who can guide you. Connect with these resources; they can help you craft a detailed safety plan and provide emotional support as you navigate next steps.

• This is not your fault, and help exists. If friends or police haven’t given you the support you need, keep trying – domestic violence organizations and survivor support groups will understand. The first step may be the hardest, but it also might be the one that saves your life and sanity.

• Legal/Medical disclaimer: This article offers general guidance for emotional and psychological abuse. It is not a substitute for professional legal advice or mental health treatment. Every situation is unique – please consult professionals (lawyers, therapists, advocates) for advice tailored to your circumstances.

If you are in immediate danger, call emergency services (911/999/etc.) right away. Your safety comes first.

You deserve to live free of fear and full of joy. Keep that hope alive – brighter days are ahead. ❤️