I Tried to Save Our Relationship in Therapy

For many women, couples therapy feels like a last hope to fix a hurting relationship. But what if your partner twists that hope into another weapon against you?

Story: Attempting to Save “Us” Through a Therapist

I sat on the therapist’s couch, hands clenched in my lap, hoping this session would heal us. I poured out my feelings—how the constant criticism and yelling at home made me anxious. My partner smiled calmly in the session, charming the therapist and insisting I “misunderstood” him. I felt a flicker of doubt about my own memories. After we left, that flicker became a flame of shame: on the drive home he smirked and said, “See? Even the therapist said it’s your fault we fight.” In that moment, my heart sank. All I wanted was for things to get better, but now even a professional seemed to be on his side.

That night I barely slept. I replayed the therapist’s words (which were actually neutral advice) over and over. My partner twisted them to blame me, and I started to believe it. I thought, “Maybe if I tried harder not to upset him, we wouldn’t argue.” I felt ashamed, as if I’d failed at fixing things. I felt exhausted from walking on eggshells. I was afraid to say anything else in therapy or at home, because somehow it always became more ammo against me. In trying to save our relationship, I felt like I was losing myself.

Awareness: Recognizing the Real Problem

If any part of that story felt familiar, take a deep breath. You are not crazy, and you’re not alone. Many women in unhealthy relationships blame themselves for the abuse, especially when a partner skillfully twists the truth. In reality, what you’re experiencing could be domestic abuse – even if it’s not physical. Abuse isn’t only bruises; it can be words, control, and fear that slowly undermine your spirit. It’s normal to feel self-doubt, shame, fear, or exhaustion when you’re being treated this way. In fact, about two-thirds of women who suffer severe partner abuse never tell anyone or report it. They often stay silent out of shame or hope that things will somehow improve. So if you’ve been hiding your pain, know that you’re far from the only one.

Why did therapy backfire? In a healthy relationship, counseling can help partners grow. But when one partner is abusive, therapy can become just another stage for manipulation. Experts warn that couples therapy is not recommended in abusive relationships, because the abuser may use what is said in therapy against the victim later. That “safe space” in the counselor’s office doesn’t extend to home. An abuser might punish you for what you shared, or convince the therapist and you that you’re the sole problem. If the therapist doesn’t know about the abuse, they might even unwittingly support the abuser’s narrative. So, if your partner twists counseling sessions into more blame and intimidation, the problem isn’t you – it’s the abuse.

Warning Signs You Might Be in an Unsafe Relationship

How can you tell if what you’re living is abuse? Here are some common red flags and behaviors:

• Constant Criticism or Humiliation: Your partner puts you down, calls you names, or makes you feel stupid or worthless (even in “jokes”).

• Blaming You for Everything: They never take responsibility – every argument or problem is somehow your fault.

• Walking on Eggshells: You carefully watch what you say or do to avoid angering them. You may avoid certain topics or actions out of fear of their reaction.

• Isolation: They try to cut you off from friends or family, or they get angry when you spend time away or talk to others. You find yourself increasingly alone.

• Jealousy and Control: They check your phone, demand to know where you are, or accuse you of cheating without reason. They might control the money, the car, or who you can see.

• “Good Times” That Confuse You: Sometimes, they apologize, give you gifts, or act very loving after hurting you – making you hope things are truly getting better (only for the cycle to repeat).

• Threats and Intimidation: They might threaten to leave you, harm themselves, take the children, or hurt you if you don’t do what they want. Even without hitting, they use fear to control.

• Physical Aggression (even minor): Grabbing, pushing, blocking doors, throwing objects, driving recklessly with you in the car – any tactic to scare you or assert power.

If you recognize even one of these signs, something’s not right. Trust that feeling. Abuse often starts subtly and builds over time. You might find yourself making excuses like, “He’s just stressed” or “It’s not that bad.” But love doesn’t feel like this. You deserve to feel safe and respected in your own home.

Emotional Manipulation Tactics to Be Aware Of

Abusive partners are often very skilled at manipulating your emotions and perceptions. Here are some tactics they use to keep you doubting yourself and stuck:

• Gaslighting: This is when he denies things you know happened, or tells you you’re “crazy” or “too sensitive.” Over time you start questioning your own memory and sanity. (Example: “I never said that – you’re imagining things.”)

• Turning Therapy (and Others) Against You: Like in the story above, he might misquote the therapist or claim professionals agree that you’re the problem. He may twist what friends or family say, so you feel no one is on your side.

• Guilt-Tripping: He makes you feel guilty for everything – if you try to set boundaries, he says you’re hurting him, or if you’re upset, he says “look what you’re doing to this family.” Your empathy gets used against you.

• Blame Shifting: When you point out something hurtful he did, he quickly changes the subject to your flaws or mistakes. Somehow, every conversation ends up focusing on what you did wrong, not his behavior.

• Withholding & Stonewalling: He might give you the silent treatment or withhold affection as “punishment” when you displease him. This makes you anxious to “make things right” and regain his approval.

• Love-Bombing & False Promises: After a big blow-up or when he senses you’re ready to leave, he may suddenly do a 180° – showering you with affection, saying sorry, crying that he’ll change, or suggesting couples therapy voluntarily. The change is usually temporary, designed to reel you back in.

• Minimizing & Denial: He insists the abuse isn’t a big deal: “I only shoved you, stop being dramatic,” or “At least I don’t hit you.” This makes you second-guess the seriousness of your pain.

• Financial Control: If he controls all the money, takes your earnings, or puts you on an “allowance,” he’s making it harder for you to be independent. Economic abuse is real and traps many women.

Recognizing these manipulation tactics is eye-opening and validating. You might be thinking, “Yes, he does a lot of those things.” That awareness is important: it’s not that you are “doing everything wrong” – it’s that he is using these tactics to control and confuse you.

Focused Plan: Steps Toward Safety and Support

Acknowledging the problem is the first step, and it’s a big one. Now, what can you do? It’s completely understandable to feel overwhelmed or scared. You do not have to solve everything at once. The key is to take small, safe steps at your own pace. Here is a focused plan with actionable steps. Some are things you can do right now, today, and others are steps to work on next, when you feel ready. Each step you take is a move toward freedom and peace of mind. Remember, you’re not alone on this path – there are tools and people ready to help, quietly and safely.

What You Can Do Today (Small First Steps)

• Pause and Breathe (Calming Practice – 60 seconds): When anxiety wells up, ground yourself with a quick breathing exercise. For example, inhale slowly for a count of 4, then exhale for a count of 6. Do this for a minute. Feel your heartbeat slow down. This can help clear your mind in the moment. (You can even find a 1-minute calming audio in the WomanAid app to guide you.)

• Confide in One Trusted Friend (if Safe): Consider quietly reaching out to someone you trust – maybe a friend, sister, or neighbor. You don’t have to divulge everything if you’re not ready; even just saying you’re going through a rough time at home can be a relief. Feeling supported by someone who cares about you will reduce the isolation and remind you that people will believe you. (If it’s not safe to call, maybe text when you’re out, or use the app’s Trusted Contacts feature to keep them in the loop silently.)

• Document Your Feelings and Events: Start keeping a private record of what’s happening and how you feel. This could be a hidden notebook or a secure digital journal. The WomanAid app includes a Safety Journal feature (protected by a passcode) where you can quickly jot down incidents or take photos of any evidence. Writing things down not only creates a record, but also helps validate that yes, this really happened – you’re not imagining it. Make sure to keep this journal completely out of his reach (the app’s journal can be hidden and is for your eyes only).

• Plan for Safe Moments: Identify one small thing you can do for yourself today that doesn’t alert him. It might be taking a short walk when he’s busy, calling a support hotline just to talk (from a friend’s phone or when he’s not around), or reading an article on the WomanAid app’s My Safety section. Even a tiny act of self-care or seeking information is a step toward regaining control. (In the WomanAid app, the “My Safety” section can quietly connect you to professional hotlines and resources in your area when you need expert help – you can find numbers without leaving obvious traces.)

• Avoid Confrontation for Now: As much as you might want to “fix” things by talking it out or standing up to him, remember that your safety comes first. Today is about keeping you safe and calm. You do not owe him any confrontation or announcement. It’s okay – and often necessary – to move in silence while you gather your strength and resources. Use that energy instead to take care of yourself and plan ahead discreetly.

  
  

What to Do Next (Building Your Safety Plan)

• Set Up the “Safe Relationship” Scenario in WomanAid: When you can get some private time on your phone, download the WomanAid app (it’s free and the icon/name can be disguised so it looks harmless). In the app, activate the Safe Relationship safety scenario. This special mode is designed for women dealing with controlling or abusive partners at home. It even works within a designated geozone like “Home,” meaning you can set it up to be on high alert when you’re at your home address. The app will walk you through enabling a stealth mode (so it looks like a normal puzzle game) and how to quickly trigger a silent SOS if you ever need help.

• Add Trusted Contacts in the App: Choose 1 to 5 people you trust with your safety – maybe a close friend, a sister, a neighbor, or a cousin. Add them as Trusted Contacts in your Safe Relationship plan. Don’t worry, the app won’t alert them unless you send a SOS. You can decide what each person sees in an emergency. For example, you might set it so your sister gets your GPS location and a short audio clip from your phone’s microphone, while your neighbor gets just a “please check on me” message. When you press the hidden SOS button, they’ll instantly get the alert with the info you chose – whether it’s your location, an audio recording of what’s happening, or a preset message. This way, if you’re in danger you can summon help quietly without saying a word.

• Practice Using the SOS (Safely): Once your safety scenario is set, do a quick practice (perhaps when he’s out of the house). Open the app’s disguised screen (it will look like a harmless game). Practice pressing and holding the secret spot that triggers the SOS (for example, in WomanAid you press and hold the center of the screen for a few seconds). Get comfortable with how it works so that if your heart’s pounding in a real emergency, your fingers know what to do. (Don’t worry – you can practice without actually sending alerts by using the app’s guidance mode, or simply cancel before an alert sends.)

• Continue Gathering Evidence (Carefully): If it’s safe to do, use the tools at hand to collect any evidence of the abuse. This could mean audio-recording a particularly bad outburst using the WomanAid app’s hidden recorder (check local laws on recording, as the app will remind you). Or take photos of things like holes in walls, broken objects, or visible injuries (store them in the secure evidence vault in the app). This evidence can be crucial later if you decide to seek a protective order or simply to show a counselor or lawyer what’s been happening. But only gather evidence when you can do so without putting yourself at risk of him finding out. The app’s Stealth Mode can help by keeping these recordings and files in a secure, passcode-locked vault.

• Develop a Quiet Exit Strategy: You do not have to leave right now if you’re not ready – and it’s okay if you never thought you’d even consider leaving. But it’s empowering (and wise) to have a plan in case things get worse or you decide you’ve had enough. This might include packing a small “go-bag” hidden somewhere (with essentials like keys, ID, some cash, a change of clothes, important documents or copies, and a list of emergency numbers). The WomanAid app’s Safety Centre can guide you through creating a personalized safety plan step by step, including things like planning where you could go in an emergency (a friend’s place, a shelter) and how to quietly get the kids out if you have children. Having a plan can reduce that paralyzing fear, because you’ll know what to do if the moment comes.

• Use Trusted Professional Resources: Alongside using the app, consider reaching out to a domestic violence hotline or support organization for advice – they can help you refine your safety plan and just lend a compassionate ear. (You can find verified hotlines in the app’s “My Safety” section, or ask a healthcare provider discreetly.) They won’t force you to do anything; you can just talk through your situation. Knowledge is power: learn about your legal options, local women’s shelters (just in case), and what rights you have without committing to any action until you’re ready. And remember, therapy can still be helpful – but likely for you alone at this stage, with a therapist who understands abuse. Individual counseling (without your partner) or support groups for survivors can help rebuild your confidence and sort through your feelings safely, on your terms.

  
  

Every step above is about increasing your safety and support bit by bit. You don’t have to do them all at once. Pick one or two that feel doable this week. The goal is that each day, you feel a little more prepared and a little less alone. Keep listening to your instincts – if something feels dangerous, step back and get advice. Your plan will evolve as your situation changes. The most important thing is: you now have a plan. Even a small one. And that is progress.

Empowerment: Reclaiming Your Strength and Hope

Right now, you might feel stuck – like your whole life revolves around keeping the peace and doubting yourself. But please hear this: You are not trapped, and you are not to blame. The very fact that you’re reading this, seeking information and help, shows a quiet courage inside you. That courage is your spark, and it’s still there, even if he’s tried to crush it.

You deserve a safe, joyful life where you aren’t living in constant fear of the next outburst. It might be hard to imagine now, but picture a day where you wake up and feel calm. You might not be there yet, but the steps you’re taking can lead you to that reality. Remember the story of the woman who activated her Safe Relationship plan: with one discreet tap on her phone, she got the help she needed. In her case, the app sent her brother a message with her location and sent her neighbor an alert to knock on the door – all without her partner knowing. That knock interrupted the violence and possibly saved her life. You, too, have this power hidden in your pocket with WomanAid’s tools. It’s like having a silent ally by your side 24/7.

Using the Safe Relationship scenario is an act of empowerment. Think about it: you are quietly taking back control. The app will not judge you or push you; it’s just there, on standby, as your safety net. Whether your situation is “not that bad” right now or extremely dangerous, you decide what to do with the resources available. Even if you choose to stay in the relationship for now, using these safety measures and setting personal boundaries can make you safer and stronger. The goal isn’t to force you out of your relationship – it’s to support you in making your own choices and staying as safe as possible. In time, as you build confidence through small wins (like successfully hiding your journal, or reaching out to a friend, or quietly consulting an expert through the app), you’ll start to feel that his control over you is weakening.

Let’s address the feelings you might still be grappling with: the shame, the self-blame, the fear. It’s important to know that his behavior is not your fault. Nothing you did ever justifies abuse. A loving partner doesn’t make you feel small or scared. The shame truly belongs with him, not you. And that voice in your head saying “but I’m partly to blame” is the echo of his manipulation. As you gain clarity, that voice will get quieter. Replace it with a kinder voice: your own. Remind yourself of little truths daily, like: “I am worthy of respect. I am doing my best. I am a good mother/friend/person. I don’t deserve to live in fear.” These affirmations might feel hollow at first, but keep at it – over time they counteract the negative things you’ve been made to believe.

Also, know that feeling fear is not weakness; it’s your survival instinct. It’s what has kept you safe so far. You can thank that instinct and also tell yourself it’s okay to seek a life where you don’t have to be on high alert all the time. Change is scary, but living in fear indefinitely is scarier. With your safety plan and tools like WomanAid, you have a cushion to fall back on. You’re not just stepping off a cliff blindly – you’re building a bridge to something better, one plank at a time.

Before we close, let’s do a quick calming practice together (you can use this anytime, especially if you’re feeling panicky or after an argument). Sit or stand comfortably, and exhale fully to empty your lungs. Now inhale deeply through your nose for 4 seconds… hold for 2 seconds… and exhale gently through your mouth for 6 seconds. As you exhale, imagine you’re breathing out the tension. Roll your shoulders if you’re holding stress there. Unclench your jaw. Softly say to yourself, “I am safe in this moment.” Do this a few times. Feel a bit of the heaviness lift. You got this.

Finally, a gentle reminder: you are not alone, and help is available. There are domestic violence support lines, counselors, and support groups ready to listen when you’re ready to talk (check the app’s My Safety directory for numbers). You don’t have to label what’s happening as “abuse” if that word is too hard right now. It’s enough to say “something’s not right and I deserve better.” Because you absolutely do.

Your Next Step – You’re in Control

By reading this, you’ve already taken a courageous step. Now, consider saving this article (in a secure place) or even taking screenshots, so you can revisit these points. You might also want to share it with a trusted friend who is worried about you, or even someone you suspect might need it – sometimes a story like this opens eyes gently. And most importantly, think about setting up that Safe Relationship scenario in the WomanAid app, even if you’re not sure you’ll ever need it. It’s free, quiet, and on your terms – like a safety net woven just for you. Whether you ultimately decide to seek therapy for yourself, plan a safe exit, or try setting new boundaries while staying, having this backup can bring you peace of mind. You are worthy of love and safety. No matter what he’s told you, you are strong, and you have the right to live without fear. Take it day by day, keep yourself safe, and know that we’re standing with you in spirit.

Stay safe and take care of you. You’re writing the next chapter of your story – and it can be one of hope, freedom, and empowerment.